Legacy of the Marauders
by MinervaEvenstar
Summary: How do the Marauders cope with love, therapy, blenders, wearing dresses, pickup lines, holidays, timetravelers and more? Sequel to Formation of the Marauders, but no need to read that to understand this.
1. Lust, Loathing, & Love

**Disclaimer:** I only own what you do not recognize, J.K. Rowling owns the rest.

**Legacy of the Marauders**

**Chapter One** Lust, Loathing, & Love

"Is it hot in here, or is it just you?" Sirius Black asked Jessie McGonagall, the transfiguration professor's niece (and Sapphire's younger sister), as he seated himself beside her on the Gryffindor common room sofa.

"That is a really bad line to use on a snowy December night," Jessie chided.

"No, it's perfect, just like everything about me, particularly my looks," grinned Sirius.

Jessie said, "Oh yes, you have a very striking face. How many times would you like me to strike you there?"

"One of these days your put-downs will permanently traumatize me," Sirius remarked.

"If that ever happens I'll help you out. Which way did you come in?"

Sirius got up and headed towards the portrait hole.

"Wait, Sirius!"

"Why? You obviously do not want me here," commented Sirius.

Jessie gave a heavy sigh. "It isn't that; I actually do like you, but your _Sirius Black,_ and I am not sure if I can trust you."

Sirius took Jessie's hands in his. "You can always trust me. I would die before I'd see you hurt."

Jessie beamed. "I believe you," she said simply, and kissed him passionately.

He pulled her close to him as he returned the kiss.

James Potter was in the library to glance through books that might inspire ideas for pranks.

"Oy, Potter, how did you get here? Did someone open your cage?" jeered the icy voice of Severus Snape.

James spun around and gaped at Snape as if in awe.

"What are you gawking at?" Snape spit.

"Nothing, it's just that you are living proof that dragon manure can grow legs and walk," volunteered James casually.

Snape's lips curled into a sneer. "Dragons are fascinating, as is all of nature. You should get Lupin a book on it while you are here since he loves nature, in spite of what it did to him," he retorted.

James' blood boiled with rage, no one spoke ill about his friends without suffering the consequences. He whipped out his wand and transfigured Snape's backpack into manure. Then he saw Lily Evans, who had just walked into the library to drop a book in the return slot, shoot him a disgusted look and go back out to the corridor.

"Hold up, Evans," called James. He quickly caught up with her.

"I am busy. Could I ignore you later?" Lily inquired stiffly as she hastened her pace.

James easily kept in step with her. "I know what it must have looked like in there, but you have not any idea what the git said. Please, try to see things from my perspective," requested James, running his hand through his messy hair in a flirtatious manner.

"I would like to see things from your point of view, Potter, though I can't seem to get my head that far up my arse," Lily scornfully stated.

"Why do you treat me this way?" demanded James, steeping in front of her so as to bar her path. "Why? I would go to the ends of the earth for you."

Ignoring his question, she responded, "If you would go to the ends of the earth for me then go and stay there!" She angrily pushed passed him and stalked off.

Remus Lupin was walking outside on the grounds making his prefect rounds in the quiet snowy air and saw the most amazing thing his eyes had ever beheld.

Sapphire McGonagall was dancing gracefully as the snow drifted about her, the stars and crescent moon illuminating her perfect figure and gleaming blond hair until she slipped on a patch of ice.

Remus dashed over to her and helped her up.

"Thanks," said Sapphire. Next, she looked down at the snowflakes on the black sleeve of her Hogwarts uniform. "I like this one best." She pointed at one by her wrist.

"But no two snowflakes are alike, so how do you know you won't see one later that you'll like better?" inquired Remus reasonably.

"When I find the one I just know." She smiled sweetly.

Remus blushed.

Sapphire leaned closer to him until their lips met.

He kissed her back at first, however, after a moment he pulled away. "Sapphire, I can't," he stated in a soft, regretful tone.

"Why not?" Sapphire was hurt.

"Because you would not like me if you knew everything about me," informed Remus sadly.

"Nothing could change how much I care for you," replied Sapphire.

Remus stared directly into her sapphire blue eyes. "I am a werewolf," he told her quietly, yet clearly.

"I know."

"How did you find out?" questioned Remus, shocked.

"Remember when we studied boggarts in third year? Well, I noticed that the boggart became a full moon when it faced you," she answered, and added, "I never judged you for it, nor have I told anyone."

He hugged her. "How can you be so clever and kind and perfect?"

Now, it was Sapphire's turn to have her cheeks become slightly pink.

Remus saved her the trouble of having to reply by putting his mouth over hers.


	2. Therapy

**Chapter Two** Therapy

Remus walked into his dormitory and began to jump atop his bed for joy, a task usually left to Peter.

Suddenly, the doorknob clicked. Remus abruptly sat down and appeared the image of complete calmness as Peter and Sirius gaited inside.

"I know you were going to try to get Jessie to go out with you," Peter was saying to Sirius. "How did you make out?"

Sirius grinned with mischief as he replied, "I made out with her very well. Thank you for asking."

Peter seemed puzzled and Remus merely shook his head.

"Where's Prongs?" inquired Sirius.

As if on cue James came through the door shouting, "I am going to murder Snivellus! I shall take his tongue and tie him up with it and light his greasy hair on fire! Then I'll feed the burnt corpse to the giant squid!" He muttered as an afterthought, "But I doubt even he would want it."

"What happened? Should we go find him and hex him into next year?" offered Sirius seriously.

"No, it wouldn't change what Evans saw," James answered moodily.

"Ooooooh," said Sirius, Remus, and Peter comprehendingly in unison.

Remus got out a quill and a scroll of parchment, which he held like a clipboard, and put on a spare pair of James' spectacles, so he looked exactly like a psychologist. "Tell us everything in your own words using descriptive terminology. We're all friends here, so do not be afraid to be open."

James stared at him like he was insane at first, yet he then obligingly lay down on the bed, pretending that it was a couch, and told the other Marauders about the incident.

"What astounds me is that you actually knew where the library was," Sirius stated.

Remus questioned, "Well, Mr. Potter, how did Evans' rejection make you feel?"

"Like crap," responded James simply.

"Hmm, I see," said Remus, scrawling a note on the "clipboard." "Do you think perhaps you fear future rejections from her?" He was frightfully good at imitating a shrink.

Prongs doesn't know the meaning of the word fear," Peter announced.

Sirius quipped, "He doesn't know the meaning of most words."

"That's it, Padfoot." James tossed a pillow at Sirius' head.

Consequently, Sirius started to smack James in the face with his own pillow.

James leapt up from the bed and tackled Sirius.

Remus was laughing with amusement, but Peter looked genuinely anxious.

"Guys, do not kill each other," squeaked Peter.

"Aww, how come?" asked Sirius comically as he overpowered James and commenced suffocating him with a pillow.

Peter shrieked girlishly with terror.

James and Sirius ceased attacking one another for Peter's sake and cracked up.

Once they regained control of themselves James wondered aloud, "Does Lily really like lilies?"

No one knew.

"If we were plants what sort of plants would we be?" asked Peter

Remus answered without hesitation, "Obviously, a lupine."

"A mandrake, maybe," James thoughtfully responded.

Sirius jovially volunteered, "A Whomping Willow."

"I guess I'd be a blender," informed Peter.

"A blender is not a plant. It is a muggle electronic device," Remus explained calmly.

"It could be," insisted Peter.

"No, it couldn't," said Remus.

James inquired, "Can you prove that?"

"Not right now; there are not any electrical outlets at Hogwarts," replied Remus.

"You're only making excuses. Without evidence we are going to assume that a blender is a plant," declared Sirius.

"You know what happens when you assume," Remus pleasantly remarked.

"What?" questioned Peter.

"You make an ass of u and me," answered James bluntly.

"I don't get it," whined Peter.

"Honestly, Wormtail, if you were any slower you would be going backwards," Sirius spat.

Peter gazed at the floor in an ashamed manner; therefore Remus shot Sirius a look.

So Sirius changed the subject back to blenders. "We should add it to the Marauders' Code. **A blender is a plant: rule number 957**."

"But that is not right," Remus sighed.

"How did the direction 'right' become associated with the term correct? Why not left?" asked James.

Remus said exasperatedly, "Fine, it isn't _left_."

"It is now," Sirius, James, and Peter said together.

"I give up." Remus closed his bed hangings. He fell asleep dreaming about Sapphire while his fellow Marauders debated if a blender sounded more like a tree, a flower, a fungus, or a shrub.

They decided on a shrub, so when Remus awoke they could tell him, "You must bring us a shrubbery or we will say _ni_!" from Mighty Python and the Holy Grail.

_Minerva's Note:_ I love psychology, so please be not offended that I made fun of psychologists a bit.


	3. Stupid Things

**Chapter Three** Stupid Things

Sirius, Remus and Peter woke up because they heard James singing, or trying to sing, to the melody of Humpty Dumpty,  
"Wake up you slugabeds!  
Get off your lazy asses!  
If you don't get ready,   
we're going to be late for our classes!"

Remus yawned and groggily got out of his four-poster, and Peter did likewise. Sirius just kept sleeping and snoring rather loudly. Remus shook Sirius, Peter pulled off his blankets, and James dumped icy cold water all over him. He shook his head like a dog and remained asleep. The three of them tilted his mattress so that he slid off and hit the stone floor with a hard _thud._ No effect. They gave up and got dressed and headed to Charms.

Remus was taking notes from tiny Professor Flitwick as he reviewed for the N.E.W.T.s. James and Peter were playing tic-tac-toe.

"Do you think the person who made tic-tac candies also invented tic-tac-toe?" inquired Peter.

"Tic-tacs; one and a half calourie breath mints! Breathe friendly!" said the voices inside Peter's head. They were constantly reciting advertizements. This random fact is not in any way significant to the plot, and it is never going to be...I don't think...

"I dunno...It might be worth investigating," James answered. He won the fifth game against Peter that lesson and remarked, "I do not want to play anymore."

"Then what are we supposed to do?" Peter asked.

James gazed at Lily in fascination, and did not respond.

Suddenly, Sirius bounded angrily through the classroom door. Glowering at his comrades, he demanded, "Why didn't you wake me up?"

The three chaps burst out laughing.

"Mr. Black, please take your seat," squeaked Flitwick. "I'm sorry, but I am going to have to give you a detention for your tardiness."

Sirius exalted, "Now I'm one up on Prongs!" The two of them had an ongoing competition since first year of who could get the most detentions before graduation.

The rest of the day passed without incident until it was time for the Christmas feast.

"Are you guys ready to do this?" James gravely questioned Sirius, Remus, and Peter outside of the crowded Great Hall.

Remus inclined his head in an affirmative.

"As ready as I will ever be," commented Sirius.

"No. I can't do it," Peter whined.

"You have to," said James. "We all lost the bet and we all have to do it."

-Flashback-

As the Marauders sat around the tree by the lake Peter picked a wildflower out of the ground and sniffed it. "Hey, it smells pretty!"

"Brilliant deduction," commented Remus with slight sarcasm. He was not as cheerful as usual because he had P.M.S., Pre-Moon Sickness.

"What did you expect it to smell like?" Sirius scornfully inquired.

"Hot chili peppers mixed with coconuts," answered Peter truthfully.

"You're insane," James told Peter simply.

"Well, it's ridiculous-" Remus began but was cut off by his friends laughing, "Ridikkulus!"

He waited for their laughter to abate before continuing. "To think that a flower would carry that aroma, but I think it sounds quite nice as a food combination."

Peter fearfully edged away from Remus. "Are having odd taste buds contagious?"

"Oh, yes," joked James. "And the results can occasionally be fatal."

Peter edged even farther away.

Sirius chuckled, "Calm down, Wormtail; he was only kidding. It is just that Moony gets weird food cravings around his time of the month."

"I do not," Remus contradicted while dunking a chocolate bar in a glass of pickle juice.

James watched the up and down dunking motion and it reminded him of the rising and falling of flying broomsticks in Quidditch (almost everything made him think of the sport). "Who do you think is going to win the Slytherin verses Ravenclaw game next week? I'm sure Ravenclaw'll beat the evil candles."

"Definitely," Sirius stated.

"Those candles won't know what hit them," agreed Peter.

"You shouldn't call someone a candle; it's rather offensive. Anyway, I think that they both have a probable chance of winning. Each of the teams have been practicing frequently," pointed out Remus fairly.

"Yeah and Prongs and Evans will have a child together," Sirius sarcastically remarked.

James jabbed Sirius hard in the ribs with his elbow. "The Slytherins have not won one match this season. Not to mention all of the jelly beans that the Ravenclaws have been eating."

Remus conceded, "I suppose you're left; no one can beat the Ravenclaws at anything once they've eaten jelly beans."

James nodded. "If Ravenclaw loses I swear, I'd (Loud music suddenly started playing so you could not hear what James said.)."

"Really, Potter?" came Lucius Malfoy's drawl as he strode over to the Marauders with Crabbe, Goyle, and Snape. "I would love to see that. Would you care to make a wager?"

"I reckon so," said James casually. "What did you have in mind?"

"If Slytherin loses the four of us have to do what you said, but if Ravanclaw loses then the four of you must do it," Malfoy coolly stated. "Unless the legendary Marauders are scared-"

"Never!" James exclaimed. "We'll do it!"

Peter groaned. He did NOT want to agree to this. James had a tendency of speaking for the entire group and the others did not mind. Sirius invariably supported James one hundred percent and it never irritated Remus, not much besides his lycanthropy bothered him, thus Peter never brought it up. _James is like a brother to me, yet sometimes I wish that I had a say in things. Someday I will,_ he thought.

Malfoy grinned wickedly, "Excellent." He and James shook on it and the Slytherins walked away.

-End of Flashback-

"Could I just ask one question?" whimpered Peter.

James nodded. He was abnormally anxious about what they were about to do, so he had a determined expression on his face that he typically wore before he played a Quidditch match or watched Cinderella. That movie never failed to make him cry hysterically; he thought it was beautiful when the glass slipper was put on Cinderella's foot and the prince knew that she was his one true love.

"Does this outfit make me look fat?"

"Yep."

"But black is supposed to be slimming!" cried Peter.

"Sorry, but you still look wide enough to listen intently to quills," elabourated James.

Sirius stated, "Prongs, even if that made sense it would be stupid."

"Stupid things are funny," James insisted.

"Sometimes stupid things are just stupid," argued Sirius.

"STUPID THINGS ARE NOT STUPID!"

"THEN WHY ARE THEY CALLED STUPID?"

"BECAUSE I LIKE THE COULOUR ORANGE!"

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH IT?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"YOU'RE STUPID!"

"SO ARE YOU!"

"AWESOME!" Sirius randomly regained his composure. "Let's get this over with."

"Wait!" called Sapphire, rushing over to them. "Before you guys go in there I want you to know that no matter what anyone says about you after you do this I shall always-" She broke off sobbing.

"Always what?" questioned Remus gently, embracing her tightly.

"I shall always let you all play with my hair curlers," she murmured through her tears.

"Thank you; that means a lot to us," the four Marauders informed her solemnly. Then they walked into the Great Hall...


	4. Man! I Feel Like a Woman!

**Chapter Four** Man! I Feel Like a Woman!

They walked into the Great Hall wearing tight, sleeveless black dresses with pantyhose and high-heeled shoes.  
"I'm going out tonight. I'm feelin' alright;  
gonna let it all hang out!   
Wanna make some noise, really raise my voice  
Yeah, I wanna scream and shout!" sang Peter loudly, blushing furiously.

Everyone was staring at the Marauders in confusion, except for Crabbe, Goyle, Snape, and Malfoy, who were sniggering.

"No inhibitions, make no conditions,  
get a little outta line!  
I ain't gonna act politically correct;  
I only wanna have a good time!" James winked, hiding any trace of shame that he felt about having to do this, and the Great Hall rang with appreciative laughter.

"The best thing about being a woman  
is the prerogative to have a little fun and," Remus paused and did a perfect piroette.

Then the four chaps broke into grapevines while singing, "Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy; forget I'm a lady!  
Men's shirts, short skirts!  
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild, yeah, doin' it in style!   
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action; feel the attraction!  
Colour my hair, do what I dare!  
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free, yeah, to feel the way I feel!  
Man! I feel like a woman!"

Sirius solely sang, "The girls need a break; tonight we're gonna take   
the chance to get out on the town!  
We don't need romance! We only wanna dance!  
We're gonna let our hair hang down!" He ran his hand through his thick, dark hair causing many girls to squeal.

The foursome clapped to the beat of the music and the staff and students, minus the Slytherins, joined in. The Marauders chanted, "The best thing about being a woman  
is the prerogative to have a little fun and," they all paused and did a perfect piroette like Remus had earlier, "Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy; forget I'm a lady!  
Men's shirts, short skirts!  
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild, yeah, doin' it in style!  
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action; feel the attraction!  
Colour my hair, do what I dare!  
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free, yeah, to feel the way I feel!  
Man! I feel like a woman!"

Whistling and enthusiatic applause could be heard throughout the hall.

James and Sirius blew a kiss and the Marauders skipped to the Gryffindor table smiling.

At the Slytherin table Snape screeched, "Why did we bother the Ravenclaws to lose! Even when the Marauders should be humiliated they are happy because everyone still loves them!"

-Flashback-

After Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, and Snape made the bet with the Marauders and and gaited away Goyle muttered, "What if we do not win the bet? I do not want to dress in a sexy dress and sing 'Man! I Feel Like Woman!' during the Christmas feast."

"We shall because I'll make sure the Ravenclaws lose the match," assured Malfoy smoothly.

"How?" Crabbe asked.

"With bribery, of course. I have tons of money."

Goyle replied, "Ravenclaws don't want wealth or money. We do."

Malfoy answered impatiently, "Don't be thick if you can help it! I am going to use my money to but the one thing Ravenclaws can't resist and need to be successful."

"You don't mean..." breathed Crabbe.

"I do," drawled Malfoy.

"That's immoral, nefarious, unethical, dasterdly, evil, foul, loathsome...(four hours later)...wicked, hateful, despicable, sinister, sinful, diabolicle, and unjust!" Snape exclaimed. "It's genius!"

"I know," Malfoy calmly simpered. "Now come; we must go get their weaknesses. To Honeydukes! We must purchase their entire stock of jelly beans!"

"Are we going to give the Ravenclaw team _all_ the jelly if they agree to lose on purpose?" inquired Snape.

"Why wouldn't we?" Malfoy asked.

"It's just that I-I like to eat them when I play hopscotch," Snape admitted quietly.

"You play hopscotch?" said Crabbe incrediously.

"Sometimes," murmured Snape. "Usually in a Pikachu outfit."

"That's discusting," Goyle told Snape matter-of-factly.

"What's wrong with Pikachu?" he demanded. "I mean, it's not as if I like Jigglypuff."

"What's wrong with Jigglypuff? I happen to think she is sort of cute!" growled Malfoy.

"Oh, yeah, if you like pink puff balls that sing worse than Professor Trelaney," Snape ramarked.

Malfoy forgot about being angry and became interested. "When did you hear the mental divination teacher sing?"

"One time I was-"

Crabbe laughed stupidly, "And one time at band camp!" Snape's glare silenced him.

Snape continued, "As I was saying, one time I was walking past the North Tower during afternoon break and I heard her singing the theme song to _Friends._ It was painful to my ears."

"How painful," drawled Malfoy.

"It ached the way your tongue aches after you accidentally staple it to a brick," explained Snape.

The other Slytherins nodded in understanding.

"Uh, Severus," questioned Goyle.

"What?"

"I never meant that it was discusting that you dressed up as Pikachu and played hopscotch. I thpought it was discusting that you liked jelly beans."

Malfoy and Snape appeared irratated, and the blond asked, "Do you even like the black ones?"

Goyle shook his large head.

Snape's black eyes flashed dangerously. "You do not even like the black jelly beans? Then you must face the consequences." His hand plunged into his robes and he puled out a small glass bottle containing thick, blood red liquid.

Goyle swallowed nervously. He knew that Snape was exceptionally gifted in potions, and he shuddered as he thought of what the possible effects of that creepy liquid might be.

"This is ketchup," stated Snape. He smiled vindictely while Goyle quivered with terror. "Yes, ketchup, and I'll give it to you and make certain that you _never_ obtain a hot dog or chips to put it on."

Goyle ran away screaming.

"He's an even worse runner than Lucetta," chortled Malfoy, watching his retreating back.

At the sound of Lucius' twin sister's name Snape's heart skipped a beat, however, he did his best to ignore it. "Let's go to Hogsmeade and get the bloody jelly beans."

-End of Flashback-

At the Gryffindor table the Marauders sipped their pumpkin juice without a trace of embarrassment.

"How could you guys go through with it?" questioned Sapphire, impressed.

"Remind ourselves of how pretty we look," said Sirius. He sang, "I feel pretty, oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and-" He stopped himself just before he said "gay."

James sipped his pumpkin juice with his pinky finger sticking out as he chuckled at his best mate.

Lily stared at him. "Potter, why are you doing that?"

"When in doubt pinky out," James quoted Spongebob.

"Your ego is so large I don't think that you doubt anything."

"I doubt one thing."

"What's that?"

"I doubt that you shall be able to resist my charm forever."

Lily stomped out of the Great Hall, disgusted. Or at least, she _wanted_ to be disgusted. She could not deny that James could be charming and that tight black dress showed off the lean muscle he acquired from all those years of playing Quidditch. _No! I am not attracted to Potter. I am not attracted to Potter. Keep telling yourself that, Lily._

"Bye beautiful!" James shouted at Lily's retreating back. She flipped him off.

Sirius laughed, then turned to Remus and remarked, "You should have done a split during our little performance."

"You can do a split?" inquired Peter.

Remus told Peter in an undertone, "I've had to learn a lot of stretching excersizes to lessen the muscle tension I get from transforming, so, yeah, I know how."

"Do it," urged Peter.

"I don't want to."

"Do it."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Do what?" asked James.

Remus sighed. He stood up and did a perfect split to shut everyone up.

Almost all of Hogwarts' male students cringed simaltaneously.

Remus laughed.

A guy should not be able to do a split," one HufflePuff boy commented.

"Why not?" questioned Remus in his pleasant tone, still on the floor in the position of a split.

"It violates numerous laws of nature," volunteered James.

Remus asked, "Where are these laws written?"

"They're unwritten laws and, next to the Marauders' Code, those are the most important rules," James responded.

"I thought rules were meant to be broken," said Peter, confused.

Sirius commented, "Yeah, Prongs. Just because you don't have the balls to do a split doesn't mean Moony can't do it."

Peter said to Remus, "Congrats, you have balls."

Remus stood up and walked away muttering, "My friends are driving me insane. I need chocolate."

"You already were insane," called James. "As for you," James glared at Sirius. "Don't you have a detention to get to?"

"Bullocks! I forgot." Sirius went to his detention with Flitwick.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Rowling's characters, Shania Twain's song, or the "I Feel Pretty" song from West Side Story.


	5. Pickup Lines

**Chapter Five** Pick-up Lines

Later that evening Sirius walked into the dormitory barking with laughter.

His three mates, who were spraying Easy Cheese from a can into each other's mouths, stared at him.

"What's up, Padfoot?" questioned James.

"The second Thomas Avery broke up with Bertha Jorkins outside the charms classroom Lockhart started flirting with her and he said the worst pick-up line. _I lost my address, can I have yours?_" Sirius answered, still chuckling. "Who would actually say that?"

Peter observed, "Obviously, he would."

"It was a rhetorical question, Wormtail," explained Remus patiently.

"Well, I've heard worse," James remarked. "My love for you is like diarrhea; I can't hold it in."

Peter added, "Or how about, I lost my teddy bear, will you sleep with me tonight?"

"We should be writing these down," commented Sirius. "Moony, you have the best handwriting, so you should write it."

As Remus retrieved his quill and a piece of parchment and stated, "Not all pick-up lines are disgusting. For example: if I had to choose a star for each reason why I love you I would run out of stars."

Sirius gagged. "Hmm, do you have a mirror in your pocket?"

Remus eyed him quizzically. "No. Why?"

"Because I could really see myself in your pants."

Remus shook his head wearily.

"I have a sweet tooth and it tastes for you," James said.

Peter suggested, "For my birthday you don't need to wrap a gift for me as long as you wrap your legs around me."

Remus wore an expression of revulsion as he jotted it onto the list. "You should say, if I gave you a dozen roses and you looked in a mirror you would be gazing at thirteen beautiful things."

"Nah," James responded. "If sexiness were a band you would rock my world."

"How many are we up to," inquired Peter.

"Nine," replied Remus.

"Then let's each think of one more; that way we can have Moony's _thirteen beautiful things_," Sirius joked. Remus whipped a pillow at him, which he caught easily.

James declared his last pick-up line, "If you like music then you can be the instrument that I play on."

Sirius volunteered, "If you want love we'll make it."

Peter stated, "Your tongue is like chocolate; it melts in my mouth."

"You are not the woman of my dreams, you are so much more than that," completed Remus.

"Girls really would like the ones that you said," Peter informed Remus unnecisarrily.

Sirius commenced chanting to the tune of Yankee Doodle,  
"Girls are so swoony,  
Over Marauder Moony,  
Cause he knows what to say,   
to take their breath away!"

Peter applauded enthusiastically.

Remus rolled his eyes. Sometimes it was difficult being the sensitive one, however, he was also the most logical one; therefore he quickly thought of an amusing way to gain his revenge.

"Let's play dare of double dare," Remus recommended. The Marauders never played truth or dare.

"Brilliant!" the animagi instantly agreed.

Remus smiled mischievously. "Good. Padfoot, dare or double dare?"

Sirius shrugged. "Doesn't matter."

"I double dare you to declare your undying love to Professor McGonagall, starting with one of the pick-up lines on our list."

James remarked, "Good one, Moony."

Feigning arrogance, Remus stood and bowed deeply.

"C'mon," said Sirius eagerly. He would almost certainly receive a detention for this, yet it would be humuorous. To Sirius Black, fun was the number one priority.

The foursome strolled down the boys' staircase into the common room. As soon as they entered all of the girls sighed dreamily. Hogwarts' female students fawned over James' charm, Sirius' looks, and Remus' sensitivity.

Sapphire got up and put her arms around Remus protectively. "How are you, Remmy?" she asked him sweetly.

"Wonderful now that you are here," Remus answered cheerfully. "My beautiful jewel, is there something you wanted?"

Uncharacteristically, Sapphire winked in response and walked out of the portrait hole swishing her golden hair behind her.

"Ooooooh," teased James, Sirius, and Peter.

Remus blushed when Sirius elbowed him and urged, "Go on then, mate. We can finish the game without you."

Remus nodded, still flushed, and exited.

James snickered, "We won't be seeing them for a while."

"C'mon," repeated Sirius.

"Where are you going?" inquired Sirius' girlfriend, Jessie.

"To proclaim my everlasting love to your aunt," he grinned.

"Please," said Jessie slowly. "Tell me you're joking."

"Nope, it was a dare," Sirius explained.

Jessie only shook her head as the trio went to McGonagall's office. After all, what would you do if your boyfriend were about to tell your aunt he loved her?

Sirius rapped on the door, which was decked with a Christmas wreath.

McGonagall opened the door and appeared thoroughly surprised to see them. "Can I help you?" she demanded. She had taught them for seven years, and thus knew they could only be there to cause trouble.

"You are not the woman of my dreams. You are so much more than that," declared Sirius solemnly.

"Excuse me?"

"It's true; you have incomparable beauty and an incredible intellect. I love you with all of my soul and I want, no I _need_, to stay by your side forever," Sirius elaborated dramatically. He took McGaonagall's hand and kissed it.

She snatched her hand way and felt his forehead. "Black, are you ill?"

"Of course not. It isn't a fever that makes think that you are the most amazing lady in the universe; it's love," Sirius emotionally replied.

"Are you going to get married?" Peter squeaked.

"I'm going to be the best man," announced James loudly.

"Quiet down," MvGonagall ordered. She really did not want another member of the staff hearing this.

"Sorry Professor," responded James. "You see, I was a P.A. system in my last life."

"How about this for our wedding song?" Sirius sang, "Every move you make, every step you take, every smile you take I'll be watching you!""

_Oh fabulous; a stalker!_ McGonagall crisply interupted, "Sorry to break your heart, Black, but my heart belongs to another."

"Dumbledore," James coughed under his breath just loud enough for her to hear and he could have sworn that he saw her cheeks redden.

Sirius wailed, "You don't love me! NOOOOOO!" He began weeping on James' shoulder.

James patted his back. "It is all right, mate." He smirked at McGonagall. "You could do better."

McGonagall rolled her eyes behind her square spectacles. "Good day, boys." Only after she slammed the door did she allow herself to laugh, amused. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the noise a cow makes right before it vomits.

The three boys cracked up all the way back to the common room.

"Padfoot, it's your turn," Peter pointed out.

"Oh yeah. Prongs, dare or double dare?"

"Double dare."

"I double dare you to...kiss...

_Minerva's Note:_ Sting, of course, sings the song that Sirius sang to McGonagall.


	6. Dementor's Kiss

**Chapter Six** Dementor's Kiss

"I double dare you to kiss Lily Evans," challenged Sirius. He, like the rest of the school, knew how much James cared for her; therefore he speculated that if James kissed her she might grow to like him. It was either that or she would despise him for eternity, but Sirius rarely thought these things through.

James glanced across the room at the redhead and his stomach did a flip-flop. _She'll hate me for this, yet I never back out of a dare, especially a double dare._ Resolutely, he got up and gaited over to her.

"Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven, Evans?" James inquired, flashing her his signature smile.

Lily's breath caught in her throat. _You are just getting a cold; it has nothing to do with Potter's cocky grin,_ she told herself. "I was feeling fine until you came along and made me nauseous," she untruthfully replied, forcing herself to cast him a look of disdain that she did not feel.

"What? I thought you liked me!" exclaimed James in mock surprise. "I haven't been this puzzled since I tried to find a corner in a circular room."

Most of the common room, which had turned to watch their star Quidditch captain flirt with "the only girl stupid enough to reject him," chuckled appreciatively.

Lily merely snorted. "Do you actually expect me to believe that? I am not gullible enough to think that even _you_ are that dumb."

"I know you aren't," James responded gravely. "Did you know that gullible is not in the dictionary?"

"Really?"

James cracked up. "You are gullible!"

The Gryffindors erupted with laughter.

Lily was furious. "How dare you humiliate me! I hate you, James Potter!"

"That's no way to talk to your future husband," chortled James.

"I would NEVER marry you! I wouldn't even date or kiss you!" shouted Lily. "In fact, I would rather kiss a dementor than kiss you!" She saw his captivating hazel eyes flicker with emotion. Which emotion? Had he looked crestfallen for a minute? Was there something in the world that could get him off his pedestal? Was she that something?

"You couldn't possibly know that," stated James in a soft tone. He very, very lightly put his hands on her hips and kissed her lips even more gently.

She forgot how much James irked her. All she was aware of was how much she enjoyed his touch. Instinctively, she kissed him back and hugged him close to her. The gasps of disbelief from everyone else in the room brought her to her senses. She rapidly pulled back from him, quivering with shock at her own actions and how **right** it felt.

"Lily?" said James questionably.

He had not ever called her that before. She'd never liked her name until it had passed his lips. "Look, James, can I speak to you later?" She needed some time to sort out her confused thoughts and feelings.

"No, I don't ever want to talk to you again," James sarcastically answered.

She pushed him playfully before scurrying up the girls' staircase.

The Gryffindors cheered James as he did cartwheels of jubilation around the common room. He then embraced Sirius so tightly that he nearly suffocated him.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!"

"Prongs, you are going to kill him," Peter nervously informed.

James released Sirius and took a deep breath to steady himself. "All right, I'm better. Wormtail, dare or double dare?"

"Dare," uttered Peter.

He stroked his chin thoughtfully, a sure sign of trouble. "I dare you to write a love letter to Snivellus pretending to be an ugly slut."

Peter groaned, "Are you serious?"

"No, he's Sirius. I'm James." He gestured to Sirius, who was still catching his breath.

Peter gave a resigned sigh, took out a piece of parchment and commenced writing.

After about ten minutes Sirius, having completely recovered, complained, "Aren't you finished yet?"

"I guess," mumbled Peter. He was not very creative, so this task had been difficult for him. Nonetheless, James and Sirius howled with laughter at his note, thus they obviously enjoyed it. This made Peter happy since he was invariably attempting to please them.

The letter read:

_Hey Succulent Severus,  
I may have fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, but I love you and I want you to stick your sausage in my taco. I can't tell you who I am because I'm afraid that you shall break my heart.  
Love and kisses,  
Severus' Sexy Beast_

"Mommy wouldn't like it," noted James chuckling. As a result of Remus being the most responsible of the group the other members occasionally referred to him as "Mommy" instead of "Moony," so Remus called them Worntrail, Badloot, and Thongs.

"What wouldn't I like?" Remus curiously inquired, entering through the pourtrait hole with Sapphire on his arm.

"Wormtail wrote a love letter to Snivelly, and we are going to put it in his bag tomorrow," Sirius answered.

Remus picked up the parchment and read it. He clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "You're left, I do not like this. I think it's useless, but give it to him if you wish."

The four Marauders broke into hysterical laughter over the "left" comment.

Sapphire knew this must be one of their numerous private jokes; therefore she waited patiently until their laughter had subsided before informing, "I'll see you later, Remmy. I need to study for the N.E.W.T.s."

"Okay," Remus replied, giving her a quick kiss. "I love you."

She smiled. "I love you, too." Then she set off to the library.

Yes, Remus Lupin had broken rule number 423 of the Marauders' Code by falling in love and had to suffer the consequences. A few months previous, when his fellow Marauders had found out, they had tickled him for two hours straight, and he is very ticklish.

Presently, Remus remarked to his comrades, "It's late; we should go to bed. After all, we all need to recover our energy from two nights ago since we barely slept last night." There had been a full moon on the evening to which Remus was referring.

"Not until you tell us how much you enjoyed yourself with your future wife," Sirius smirked tauntingly.

Remus irritably replied, "I've told you, we are not going to do anything besides snog until we've graduated and gotten married."

"You snogged? Where did you go?" asked Peter with interest. The Astronomy Tower was usually _busy_; thus he doubted Remus would have gone there.

"I went crazy," answered Remus. "you should try it."

"I meant which place."

"I know, I was only joking," Remus calmly stated. "We were actually in the Room on Requirment."

Sirius questioned slyly, "And what did you require?"

"Chocolate covered strawberries," he said simply.

The others chuckled at that. Remus shrugged.

"Anyway, we have some romantic things to update you on," remarked James casually.

"Like what?" Remus questioned politely.

"James and Evans kissed," blurted Peter.

"What!" Remus exclaimed. "Tell me everything."

Sirius James and Peter were filling Remus in on what he had missed when a speckled barn owl randomly flew through an open common room window with an envelope attached to its right leg. Remus promptly relieved the owl of the letter and it gratefully soared away out the window again. It must have been addressed to Remus, for he swiftly tore it open and his eyes scanned the words on the piece of parchment within the envelope and his face lit up excitedly.

_Minerva's Note:_ Review...or else... MUWHAHAHA!


	7. Remus' Den

**Chapter Seven** Remus' Den

"My parents said that you and Sapphire can come over for Christmas break," Remus happily informed his friends. "Isn't that great?"

"Huzzah!" They agreed ecstatically. The Marauders had spent the holidays at James and Peter's flats plenty of times (They had not been to Sirius' home for obvious reasons.) but they had not ever been to Remus' before.

"What does your house look like?" Peter asked Remus while the Marauders and Sapphire were seated in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express.

Remus shifted uncomfortably. "It is not exactly a house..."

"It's a den!" declared James.

The others looked at him strangely.

"A den is where wolves live," he explained. He sounded very proud of himself for knowing this.

"I know, James," replied Remus calmly, refraining from using the animagus nickname in Sapphire's presence. She knew that he was a lycanthrope, though she was not aware that his fellow Marauders were illegal animagi, and it was going to stay that way...or so he assumed, but we all know happens when you assume! "However, as my parents are not werewolves and they live there also, your analogy is senseless."

"Senseless things are funny," said James.

"Sometimes senseless things are just senseless," argued Sirius.

"Don't start that again!" exclaimed Peter and Remus in unison.

"Oh, damn. It's so much fun," Sirius pouted.

"Wait, back up a moment. Your mates have never been to the cottage in the woods where you live before?" Sapphire questioned her boyfriend in surprise.

"Nope."

She looked at the others. "Well, I've been there a load of times. It is very quiet and peaceful; the change of scenery would be good for you."

"I was hoping it was a den; a cottage in the forest seems so cliche," James remarked, though he actually did not care.

Sirius was very confused. "You've spent the night there? But Remus told us that you two had never been intimate."

"We haven't. It's possible for a couple to stay in the same place and not have sex."

"Really?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"How?"

"Responsibility and self control."

"I don't have any of that. Do you know where I could get some?"

Sapphire rolled her eyes.

"You'll get used to him," Remus assured her pleasantly.

"Hey, do not talk about Sirius like Sirius is not even here," said Sirius.

Sapphire inquired, "Why are you referring to yourself in the third person?"

"Sirius is speaking in third person because Remus was talking to you about Sirius while Sirius was here like he was not here, so Sirius is trying to make a point that Sirius is in fact here."

James stated, "Sirius is making a point that he suffers from insanity."

"Sirius doesn't suffer from insanity; he enjoys it! He does not enjoy having Remus talk about him."

"I didn't say anything disrespectful," Remus pointed out to Sirius.

"Sirius is highly offended! Now Sirius shall attack Remus and tickle him mercilessly." That is precisely what he did.

"Stop you idiot," laughed Remus.

"It's too entertaining; Sirius can't stop. Remember when you were tickled for two hours? Sirius thinks we should relive that."

Fourtunately for Remus, the Hogwarts Express arrived at King's Cross, so they all had to get off the steam engine.

A woman with the same soft brown hair as Remus greeted them. "Hello, I'm Gloria Ann Lupin, and, yes, my initials do spell gal."

"My name is Sirius Orion Black, and, yes, my initials do spell S.O.B."

"Sob? What's that?" Peter questioned.

"Not sob; son of a bitch," corrected James.

Remus was shocked that James just swore in front of his mother, yet what his mother said next surprised him much more:

"Well, Sirius, is your mother a bitch?"

"Oh yes! The biggest one I ever met."

"Then your initials are appropriate," replied Gloria casually.

Sirius turned to Remus. "Your mum is officially cool."

Peter cocked his head in bewilderment. "Officially? How can you make it official?"

Before Sirius could answer Gloria interceded, "We need to be getting home to John."

As they ambled through the barrier and entered Mrs. Lupin's mini-van Remus asked, "How is Dad since he broke his leg?"

"He's been watching a lot of porn on T.V."

Remus' eyes widened. "Dad? Never!"

"I'm serious. He has been watching the Animal Planet channel, and you know that animals never have any clothes on."

Everyne broke into gales of laughter.

James questioned, "How did he break his leg?"

"Break dancing," answered Gloria simply.

"Couldn't you mend it with magic?"

"Yes, but because John is a Muggle he likes medical things done the Muggle way."

Soon they drove out of the suburbs and down a dirt road into the woodland. In town there had only been a dusty coating of snow, however, no plows came into the forest; therefore the snow was much deeper.

"Is all of that really snow?" gasped Peter.

"No, it's baking soda," responded James sarcastically.

"What a waste of baking soda," Peter commented.

Sapphire explained, "James was joking; the sparkly, cold, white stuff truly is snow."

Peter clapped his hands together. "Goody! I liked snow."

Sirius cheerfully suggested, "We should strip down to our skivvies and roll around in the snow."

"No!" said Remus and Sapphire instantly with slight blushes on their faces.

"What's living if you never pull your shorts down and slide on the ice?" demanded James.

"We're here," announced Gloria, ending their debate.

"Yippee!" Remus cried. "Now I can show them what an real blender is!"

_Minerva's Note:_ James' last comment is from the television show _Even Stevens. _**Oh, please visit my website! **Also, don't forget to _**review**_!


	8. Poetry and Marshmallows

Chapter Eight Poetry and Marshmallows

"Let's race to the front door," recommended ever-competitive James.

"Okay, as long as it's a skipping race, not running," agreed Peter.

Sirius and James looked horrified. "A Marauder _never_ skips!"

"We did at the Christmas feast," he reminded them.

"Then we broke rule number 119 of the Marauders' Code!" raged James. Until now he had been the only Marauder never to break a rule; Remus had fallen in love (James would, too, but he did not know it yet.), Peter had chickened out of a dare once in third year, and Sirius told Snape about Remus and the Whomping Willow. "I can NOT believe this happened! I swore to myself I would not ever disobey the Marauders' Code!" James got out of the car and ran into a tree. Repeatedly. For an hour.

He ceased when Sirius bellowed, "Idiot, it's dinner time!" from inside the cottage. Sirius and the others had entered the Lupin's dwelling without racing or skipping and were now seated in the blue-tiled kitchen around a circular, wooden table that was laden with Remus' favourites: Pickles&Chocolate, easy cheese, chocolate covered strawberries, and cereal with fun-shaped marshmallows.

All of the chairs were taken when the bespectacled boy with a large bruise on his head came in, so he picked up the chair Sapphire was sitting and tilted it so that she slid off into the individual's lap in the chair left of hers; Sirius Black.

Acting as though he had done nothing unnatural, James sat down and proceeded to eat the cereal.

Everyone was staring at him, too shocked to move or speak, except Sapphire, who leapt off of Sirius' lap as if it were a hot potato, and exclaimed, "How could you do that!"

James looked at her. "Sorry, I shouldn't have done that." He got up and Sapphire sat back down. James picked up the chair again and dropped her onto the lap of the one sitting to the right of her; Remus Lupin.

Sirius smiled. "That's the way it should have been done the first time," he commented approvingly.

"I know," replied James. "I was not thinking."

"Are you sure you were thinking this time?" questioned Remus, face flushed. He loved Sapphire, but this situation was rather awkward.

"I would say so, since she hasn't moved yet," James chortled.

That remark caused both Remus and Sapphire to turn as red as the strawberries on the table, though the strawberries did not look red because they were covered with chocolate.

(You sat at the computer thinking, "Well, _duh!_")

Sapphire got off of Remus, putting her hands on his shoulders for support and balance that she clearly did not need as she did so. If the room had been empty there is a strong possibility that she would have stayed there.

Remus tore his eyes away from Sapphire to look pleadingly at his mother. "Could you conjure up another chair?"

Obligingly, Gloria reached into her robes to pull out her wand, but John gently placed his hand on her arm and shook his head. She looked at him quizzically.

"It would simply solve everyhing if you made another chair, and watching this is a lot more fun," explained John with a twinkle of amusement in his eyes that Remus often had.

Remus did not have it now, though. He looked genuinely annoyed. "Fine then. I'll just set up the sleeping bags and Sapphire can have my seat," Remus declared and he stalked off to his bedchamber.

Sapphire stated, "I will go help him; I am full anyway." She followed Remus to his room and shut the door behind her.

"Should we worry?" asked John instantly.

"I don't think so," Gloria answered. "You are the one that watches porn, not Remus."

Thinking about the safari elephants, John nodded.

But perhaps they should have been nervous...

After they laid two sleeping bags on the floor Sapphire gestured to Remus' bunk bed and inquired, "Which one of your friends gets to use your bottom bed? You know they are all going to want to."

Remus shrugged. "They can compete for it."

"How?"

"Hula-hooping."

She laughed, "Lucky for them I am sleeping on the couch because I'm great at hula-hooping."

Remus enveloped her in her arms. "You are great at everything."

Her heart began to beat faster. "Thanks, Remmy."

"You're welcome, my precious gem," answered Remus softly, holding her tighter and staring into her eyes. She had amazing eyes; everything about her was beautiful to him. Sometimes it hurt how much he loved her.

Sapphire could feel his affection as he held her. She wanted him to know that she returned his feeling without question, so she pressed her body against him and after planting a gentle kiss on his lips she whispered, "Speaking of everything, you are absolutely everything to me."

He beamed at her warmly and got an idea. "You trust me, don't you?"

"Of course. Why?"

"I want to try something with you."

"Okay, what do you want to try?"

Remus gave her a meaningful look.

"Oh." She blushed, but smiled. "Whatever pleases you, my love."

Happily, Remus guided her over to his bed...

"You have more heart-shaped marshmallows than I do!" Sirius told Peter, outraged.

"Well, you have more star marshmallows than I do," he retorted.

"Let's trade some," suggested Sirius.

Obediently, Peter took a few heart marshmallows out of his bowl and exchanged them for some of Sirius' stars.

"Hey, all I have are clovers," complained James. "Someone trade with me."

"No one likes clovers," Sirius informed.

"Sure they do," returned James casually. "Peter, trade some with me."

Sirius instructed, "No, don't. Clovers are useless."

Peter looked between Sirius and James in bewilderment; he knew not who to agree with. "Uh, I'm not hungry anymore." He pushed his unfinished bowl away from him (a rare phenomenon) and hastily excused himself from the table to go assist the logical couple in Remus' room. Once he opened the door, however, he wished he had remained in the kitchen.

He screamed as shrilly as a five-year old girl and tried to run out of the cottage. James caught him before he reached the exit. "What's the matter?"

Peter whimpered fearfully, "Remus and Sapphire were doing..." He lowered his voice to almost below a whisper, "the unthinkable."

James raised his eyebrows. "What are you talking about?"

"They were on Remus' bottom bed and they were...they were..." It seemed too painful for him to go on.

This captured Sirius' interest as well. "Spit it out!"

"They were reciting romantic poems!" Peter broke into sobs.

"Not poetry!" wailed James. "Anything but that!" He began weeping also, and Sirius had to hold him because he was shaking so violently.

Gloria attempted to soothe them. "It is all right. I mean, they are old enough and they love each other. Just because they like poetry does not change who they are."

Now, all three of them were crying.

John asked, "Do you want to sign my cast?"

Immediately, their tears were replaced with grins. "YES!"

While they were decourating John's cast Remus and Sapphire came out. "Is something going on?" questioned Remus.

"Yep," responded his fellow Marauders.

"What?"

"You."

"Did I do something wrong?"

Peter cried, "You ruined my innocence!"

"How?" Remus asked, perplexed.

"I saw and heard you saying sappy poems."

"Is that all?"

"You don't care!"

"I do not think poetry is evil."

"I do. I don't want to sleep on that bed because you recited poetry on it."

"Suit yourself. I guess James and Sirius can compete for it then."

Sirius finished dotting the "i" in his name with a heart and asked, "Can we have the contest now?"

"If you want to," the werewolf said.

"I'll get the hula-hoops!" announced Gloria. She left and returned with neon pink, plastic hoops.

James and Sirius eagerly took them, slipped them around their waists, and commenced rotating.

Forty-five minutes later they were still going. "Are you done yet?" whined Peter.

"Nope," they said in unison.

"Will you be done soon?"

"Nope."

Peter sighed.

John brightened. "I know, I'll distract you and see if you can keep going." Without awaiting anyone's reply he provided the best distraction ever. Have you ever seen a man with a broken leg dance the robot while singing "Superfreak?" Well, they did.

Everyone broke into guffaws of laughter and James and Sirius' concentration abated, but Sirius' hoop clattered to the floor first.

"No!" he exclaimed. "I'm rich; I can't sleep on a floor! I'll die! Do you hear me? _Die!_ I'll be 100 not living, okay? That means dead, perished, deceased, passed on, gone to the light at the end of the tunnel, kicked the bucket, gone to Davey Jone's locker, lost my favourite bottle cap! UNDERSTAND? If I die then I won't breathe, my heart won't beat, and I won't look sexy anymore! Don't you all know I'm too sexy to die?"

All the occupants of the room took a few steps back from Sirius and remained silent and fearful.

Eventually, Sapphire said carefully, "I do not know if you're sexy, but I do know that 'lost my favourite bottle cap' is not an expression used to describe death."

"It's not?"

"No."

"Oh, well, in that case I can sleep on the floor."

When the four Marauders retreated to Remus' "den" to either go to bed or go to floor three of them edged as far away from a certain dog animagus as possible.

_Minerva's Note:_ I realize that this chapter is not as random as some of my other chapters, however, tis much longer than many of my chapters and I sincerelyhope that you review. I am terribly sorry that it took so long for me to update, and even sorrier that I must inform you that it may take a while before I update again, though I do have some good news: the next chapter is going to be my favourite one in the entire fan fiction.


	9. Chaotic Christmas

_Minerva's Note:_ I know updating took forever, and I hope you accept this long chapter as my apology.

**Chapter Nine** Chaotic Christmas

Sapphire had been content to sleep on the couch away from the boys' antics until one morning, Christmas morning to be exact; she woke up surrounded by darkness in what seemed to be a very small space. Needless to say, she began to scream.

"Shh," hissed a nearby voice.

"Sirius?" she queried.

"Hush. Yes, we put you in a box to give you to Remus for Christmas."

She could not believe what she was hearing. "You can't give me to him as a gift! He already knows I belong to him."

"Aww, that's so sweet," squealed Peter, a bit too femininely for comfort. There was a light clapping sound as if someone had just slapped somebody else on the back of the head. A second later Peter yelped, "Ouch!"

"Just play along," James nearly begged. "With our little additions it'll be really funny."

Additions? _What might they be?_ Sapphire decided she'd rather not know. "Whatever."

"Good morning, Moony!" called Sirius joyously as a door clicked open. "Come open your present."

"Well." She heard Remus hesitate. "Shouldn't we wait for Sapphire?"

"She's in the loo, and said she wouldn't be out for a while. Maybe she's having a bath or something." James' lie was presented in his usual confident tones without any uncertain pauses. Much as Sapphire hated deception, she had to admit that James, and probably Sirius too, was good at it.

"What's the 'or something' she could be doing?" wondered Peter.

"Use your imagination," James replied, still looking at Remus.

Peter, as always, complied without consideration. He envisioned Sapphire standing on the toilet singing, "The Wheels on the Bus go Round and Round" in a scratchy voice. He would have laughed, but then he remembered what a lovely and powerful singing voice she had and his fantasy faded. _The Marauders can all sing well and are good at magic, and so are their girlfriends._ He actually had never heard Jessie or Lily sing, but assumed they could. (Truthfully, both of them could carry a tune, though they were not precisely excellent singers.) _What can I do? Someday... Someday I'll do something special._

"Okay," Remus reluctantly agreed. "But we're not opening any others without her.'

"Whatever floats your boat," said James.

"No, Prongs, it's 'whatever makes your skirt fly up," Sirius corrected.

Sapphire was about to reprimand Sirius for his sexist remark, but stopped herself. She hadn't restrained herself because it would ruin this peculiar surprise, yet because she recalled with amusement that Sirius had once worn a skirt.

Suddenly, she became aware that Remus was very near the box. It was not that she had heard him approach, but rather that she felt the closeness of his presence. The noise of the careful manner in which Remus tore off and refolded the wrapping seemed to be directly beside her ears. The process took almost five minutes and she knew that anyone who simply ripped the paper off could have done the task in less than a minute, although unlike the other Marauders, whom she could tell without having to see them were shaking with impatience, she always appreciated Remus' attention to little details. _I bet that makes him a good lover,_ she thought. She shook herself mentally. _Where did_ that _come from?_ For the first time she was grateful to be inside the dark box, for no one could see her blush.

(_Minerva's Note:_ The naughty thought had come from the "bad" part of her mind. You know how they say everyone has good and bad in them... I have a good side that makes me use pencil shavings as confetti and a bad side that causes me to drink- DUN, DUN, DUN- flavoured water!)

"It's a lovely music box, guys," Remus commented courteously. "But, it's rather big, isn't it?"

"Not at all," James cheerfully responded.

Peter urged, "Open it."

Before Sapphire had a chance to blink Remus lifted up the lid and she shot up on a spring she had not realized she'd been attached to. The tune of "Here Comes the Bride" echoed through the room from the music box. Sapphire's look of surprise was mirrored on Remus' face.

Ignoring his comrades' guffaws, Remus took out his wand and muttered, "_Accio Sapphire!_" She zoomed off the spring into his arms and he toppled over beneath her weight. Not that she was fat; she wasn't, however (to be blunt) she was very well-endowed, thus this caused her to be heavier than Remus' figure that was considerably frail so close to full moon. "How did you get in there?" questioned Remus, pulling himself and Sapphire to their feet. "I'm willing to bet my diary-"

"Guys have _journals,_ not _diaries,_" James reminded him.

"My journal," continued Remus amiably, "that it wasn't your idea to climb in."

"No," Sapphire agreed. "I just woke up in there."

Remus rounded on his friends quick as someone caught in their birthday suit and running away. "You made her wake up in darkness? She's terrified of the dark! I thought I dreamed her shouting, but I guess she really did."

"Sorry, Saphy, we didn't know," explained Sirius truthfully. "Why are you afraid of the dark anyway?"

Her normally cheerful blue eyes grew stormy. "When I was younger my dad used to do things to me in the dark."

Sirius slipped a brotherly arm around her. "What things?" he asked gently.

She knew Sirius had family problems also, so he could most likely handle it, but could James and Peter? She gazed at Remus, the only individual that knew all of her secrets, uncertainly. Once he nodded his approval she took a deep breath and replied, "He would force me to watch him eat bananas."

Harmonized gasps of sympathy erupted from James and Sirius' lips. Peter gave his girlish shriek and ran into Remus' room, where he hid underneath the covers. "Holey sheet!"

Gloria rushed in immediately, forgetting her fuzzy slippers and wand on her bedside table. "What is it?"

"The sheet has a hole in it," Peter wailed.

"Sapphire had to watch her father eat bananas in the dark," Sirius said at the same moment.

Remus' mother decided to attend to the more serious issue; she embraced Sapphire empathetically. "It's okay, I had to watch my aunt eat oranges in the dark and I turned out fine."

"Wait a minute," James remarked, and everyone could truly see the light bulb shining above his head. "How can you watch someone do anything in the dark? After all, it's...dark."

John hobbled in on his crutches. "Don't ask such obvious questions, James. Can't you see they're traumatized?"

James saw Gloria angrily brush away her tears and Sapphire lean against Remus' shoulder for comfort, choking back sobs at her painful memories. "I'm sorry," James somberly murmured.

They nodded acknowledgement as Peter came in flailing his arms and crying, "HOLEY SHEET!" at the top of his lungs.

"Don't use that kind of language in this house," John instructed sternly.

Peter held up the fabric. "But you don't understand; there really are holes, so it's a holey sheet."

"No, _you_ don't understand," countered John. "Terms like that are never acceptable. It's holy shit, never holey sheet, just like it's damb, never darn, got it?"

Peter gave in, as he typically did so easily, and returned the sheet to the bed.

"Can we open the gifts Santa brought now?" Sirius inquired, clapping his hands together eagerly.

"You still believe in Santa?" asked Gloria, shocked.

James, Sirius, and Peter inclined their heads simultaneously.

John fidgeted uncomfortably. "Well, there are no gifts from him because, uh, we all know he's not real."

"What!" shouted James.

Gloria patted his back reassuringly. "You're seventeen, boys. You should know the truth."

"But he is real," Peter insisted.

"They are correct, there is no Santa," stated Remus and Sapphire in business-like tones.

"Of course there is," came Sirius' stubborn reply. "Only adults think like that. If that's the way your minds work it's no wonder you are reciting poetry together already. I mean, shagging like rabbits is one thing, but reciting poetry is a big step."

Sapphire ignored the heat that filled her body at the thought of the former and said slowly and clearly as if to Crabbe or Goyle learning to count, "Listen, Santa-is-not-real."

All of a sudden the front door burst open and a very thin man in a scarlet suit with what suspiciously appeared to be a fake white beard ambled in. "Oh really, I'm not?" he asked. His voice was colder than the ice cream in the Lupin's freezer.

Peter shuddered at the sound of it. "Santa?" he uttered cautiously.

"Naturally, it's me you bloody- er, darling little boy."

James walked over and poked his skinny stomach. "Where's your jolly belly?"

The man looked into the young Marauder's hazel eyes with his own piercing crimson ones. "Ever hear of a diet?" was the cool answer.

"What diet did you go on?"

"Anorexia."

"That's a diet? I thought it was a tragic condition."

"No, it's definitely a diet."

"You're positive?"

"I'm totally certain."

"Only idiots are totally certain," James pointed out, taking off his glasses and cleaning them as if this simple action proved he possessed intelligence. In fact, both he and Sirius were intellectual; they usually preferred not to show it.

"Are you sure?" he questioned James.

"I'm totally certain." The bespectacled boy slapped himself in the forehead, realizing he had shown that _he was an idiot._

The man was growing tired of this game. "Look, anorexia is a diet, all right?"

"If you say so."

"Stop it!" Remus exclaimed. "That is NOT Santa! It's that psycho wizard from the Daily Prophet that's been murdering Muggles!" He was terribly anxious since his father was a Muggle.

"_Silencio!_" commanded the man.

Uselessly, Remus attempted to speak to his friends before sitting down, rubbing his temples and trying to think of a plan.

"Santa, you know magic?" Sirius queried in admiration. "Me too!"

"I know," he said slyly. "I came to ask if you talented seventh years wanted to join my group of, um, elves."

Peter, James, and Sirius' faces lit up with excitement.

"No!" Sapphire had tears streaming down her cheeks, yet she did not care. She lunged forward and tore the disguise off of "Santa." Voldemort's menacing form was revealed.

"You insolent bitch," he hissed, smacking Sapphire to the floor. "I would've had them."

"Where did Santa go?" gasped Peter.

Sirius' eyes flashed. "Voldemort _killed_ Santa!"

"He must die!" declared James.

Voldemort pointed his wand at them. "None of you have anything to defend yourselves with," he taunted.

Sapphire mouthed an instruction to Remus and an instant later the werewolf was doing a split on the floor.

Voldemort clutched his crotch at the thought of doing a split and fled, threatening, "You haven't seen the last of me!"

"We'll be ready for him," said James confidently.

"But he's a Santa-killer," whispered Peter.

"Which is exactly why we need to be, and therefore will be, ready for him," Sirius concurred with James.

Peter was not convinced.

Gloria went into her bedroom and came back with her wand (She figured if she tried to earlier Voldemort would have murdered everyone.) and charmed the return of Remus' voice.

The second his speech was back Remus questioned worriedly, "Are you all right, my beautiful jewel?"

"I guess," responded Peter.

John informed, "He wasn't talking to you."

"Oh," said Peter meekly.

Sapphire touched her face where she'd been hit tentatively. The pain almost made her want to cry, but there would be no permanent damage. "I'll live," she told Remus with slight grimness.

"You were so brave," he complimented, making his pride in her evident. He leaned down to kiss her when James demanded, "Wait."

Remus let out a small exasperated sigh, his lips centimeters from Sapphire's mouth. "Why?"

"Just hold on for a minute." James ran wildly around the flat, throwing random objects out of drawers and closets. Finally, James found what he was seeking. He darted back over to the couple and held mistletoe above their heads. "Now snog."

_Was that necessary?_ thought Remus, however, he did not ask since kissing his beloved was more important than questioning his friends peculiar behaviour at that moment.

"Can we open presents?" whined Peter.

"I don't see why not," Gloria stated.

Sirius reminded the rest of the Marauders, "We gotta sing our Christmas carol first."

"What's that?" Sapphire curiously asked.

The Marauders stood in a row and sang in harmony:

"On the first day of Christmas the Marauders of Hogwarts got a Whomping Willow tree.  
On the second day of Christmas the Marauders of Hogwarts got two angry professors,  
and a Whomping Willow tree.  
On the third day of Christmas the Marauders of Hogwarts got three mischievious animagi,  
two angry professors,  
and a Whomping Willow tree."

They continued up until:

"On the twelfth day of Christmas the Marauders of Hogwarts got twelve howlers from their parents,  
eleven times Lily rejected Prongs,  
ten legendary prank ideas,  
nine tests Wormatail failed,  
eight dead Snapes,  
seven of Moony's sappy love poems,  
six girls Padfoot has snogged,  
FIVE MILLION DETENTIONS,  
four secret passages,  
three mischievious animagi,  
two angry professors,  
and a Whomping Willow tree!"

Gloria and John laughed hysterically as they applauded.

Sapphire clapped, though, as they all bestowed great gifts like cereal crumbs upon each other, she could not help but ponder number three of the Marauders' "innocent" parody of The Twelve Days of Christmas. Could James, Sirius, and Peter have become animagi for Remus?

_Minerva's Note:_ For those of you who still believed in Santa I am sorry that you had to find out this way. I am also sorry for taking so long to complete this chapter, but I had a major case of "Randomness Writers' Block" if there is such a thing. Please forgive me and review! This is my favourite chapter so far because writing the song was so much fun. By the way, please visit my website if you get the chance.


	10. Minds I Wish I Had One

**Chapter Ten** Minds (I Wish I Had One)

_Minerva's Note:_ Christmas vacation at my school ends after New Years Day and I assume that Hogwarts' vacation is the same, though, for this fan fic I am going to say that it ends before then.

Sapphire and the Marauders, despite how much they loved Hogwarts, had been reluctant to return to school because of all the fun they'd been having. By the last day of December, however, they had gotten back into the natural habit of attending classes and eating in the Great Hall.

The Marauders were in the library reading astronomy books (Well, Remus was reading; the others were looking at the moving pictures.) when Peter dully observed, "It's New Year's Eve."

James looked up from his book, horror-stricken. "Merlin, it is, and we haven't planned a party!"

Sirius leapt up. "Not to worry, Prongs. I'll just go to Hogsmeade to get the necessary supplies while you tell the Gryffindors not to make any other plans for tonight." He winked at James, who chuckled rather maniacally.

This caught Remus' attention. "What _supplies_? What are you guys planning?"

They replied with identical silent grins of mischief; never a good sign.

Remus groaned apprehensively as they left.

In the common room a little over an hour later all of the sixth and seventh years (the others were sent to bed for being "too young") had been coerced by James and Sirius to partake in what promised to be some very interesting festivities.

James announced, "We're going to play-"

"Wait a minute." Lily stood up. "Why do you get to decide what we do?"

"Because this was our idea," pointed out Sirius easily.

Jessie stood beside the redhead. "Still, this party is for all of us, isn't it? We should get to choose an activity too."

Sirius and James shared a glance. They loved the way those two girls challenged their authority when none of the others dared to do so, though they certainly didn't want them to know that particular insight.

"What did you have in mind?" James asked, showing that they would listen to a suggestion, but they might not adhere to it.

It was Jessie and Lily's turn to share a glance. They hadn't thought that far. They just enjoyed giving James and Sirius a hard time because they realized it was good for them since nobody else did, and they understood that for some reason the boys actually liked to be challenged.

"Word association," said Sapphire, coming to their rescue.

"What's that?" questioned Olivia. She was one of Jessie's sixth year dorm mates. Her grades were as low as Peter's and her hair was dyed all the colors of the rainbow.

Sapphire answered, "Someone says a word and then everybody takes a turn saying the first word that pops into their head."

Almost everyone wanted to see the game demonstrated before they tried it, so the Marauders and Sapphire, since it was her idea, agreed to do it first. "We need a word," Remus requested.

"Study," someone called.

Sapphire volunteered the first word that came to her brain, "Often."

"Books," said Remus.

"Shagging," supplied Sirius.

"Quidditch," James stated.

"Food," mumbled Peter.

"Okay," Lily said, a bit confused by some of the responses. "Your next word is: respect."

"Everyone," Sapphire instantly said.

"Books."

"Shagging."

"Quidditch."

"Food."

"Riiight..." Jessie commented, just as perplexed as Lily. "Next word: vacation."

"Fun."

"Books."

"Shagging."

"Quidditch."

"Food."

Somebody suggested the term, "Rain."

"Umbrella."

"Books."

"Shagging."

"Quidditch."

"Food."

Jessie sighed, "This is ridiculous! Why do guys have such one-track minds?"

"The same reason girls constantly change their minds," retorted Sirius.

"Don't go there," warned Jessie.

"I think I _am_ going to go there," Sirius countered. "I'm going to go there, buy a souvenir, and come back again."

"You wouldn't!" screeched Jessie incredulously.

"Why wouldn't I?" Sirius provocatively queried.

"You're too thick."

"Well, you're moody."

"You're reckless."

"You're annoying."

"You're conceited."

"You're picky."

"You're unforgiving."

"You're beautiful." Sirius hadn't meant to say that, even though he thought it was true. He mentally kicked himself. _Ouch_, his brain yelped.

Jessie stared at Sirius. "What?"

Now that it was said Sirius couldn't take it back, so he had to go with it. "You're even more than beautiful; you're gorgeous and breath-taking."

"Really?"

"No," responded Sirius. "Those things don't even describe you because you are so amazing you need a word all your own. How about breath-beaugeous?"

"Sirius!" Jessie pushed him against the wall.

He swallowed nervously. _Why is she angry? What did I do?_

"That's the sweetest thing I ever heard," said Jessie and kissed him.

Remus whispered to James, "Breath-beaugeous is the sweetest thing she's ever heard?"

"She must ride a unicycle," James whispered back.

"What does a unicycle have to do with it?"

"Everything."

"Everything?"

"Everything."

Lily rolled her eyes at Sirius and Jessie and questioned, "What are we going to play next?"

_Minerva's Note:_ I know this chapter is short, but I do not update nearly as often as I should, so if I have shorter chapters I can update more frequently.


	11. Avoid Hangovers: Stay Drunk!

**Chapter Eleven** Avoid Hangovers: Stay Drunk!

"I never," James replied.

"That's the name of the game?" questioned Lily.

"Yep."

"Are you going to tell us how to play?"

"Nah, I figured I'd make everyone do it without explaining it," said James, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Remus swiftly found a towel and cleaned up all the sarcasm that had dripped.

Before Lily could respond, Peter, who never ever understood sarcasm, suggested, "Then maybe Sirius should explain."

"Sirius is busy," Remus reminded him, wringing out the towel.

With a sound like a sucking plunger Sirius and Jessie stopped snogging and Sirius said, "It's okay. I'll do it."

"But I wanted to," James groused.

"You can hand out the supplies."

"Fine."

Sirius addressed the common room, "The way to play-"

"Haha! That rhymes," laughed Peter.

"-Is everyone gets a glass of alcohol. We take turns saying things that we never did and everyone that has done it has to take a sip," continued Sirius as if there had been no interruption. "Any questions?"

A few hands shot up. Sirius put on his most professor-like expression while he acknowledged and answered them one by one.

"Could you give us an example?"

"Sure."

"Will you give us an example?"

"Ya. If I say 'I never drove a car' anyone who has driven a car has to take a sip."

"Who wins?"

"The last one sober."

"Have you ever played before?"

"Course I have with the Marauders. Remus always wins."

"Could we start now?"

"Sure."

"Will we start now?"

"Absolutely.

James handed everyone a goblet filled to the brim with a curious rose coloured beverage. "I'll start," he said. "I never wore nail polish."

All of the girls and Peter had worn nail polish, thus they each took a sip. The liquid had a tangy, creamy taste that Lily had never tried before and she discovered that she liked it very much. Perhaps, too much.

"I never went a week since third year without snogging a girl," proclaimed Sirius proudly. Everyone sipped his or her goblets and Sirius laughed in triumph.

Olivia volunteered, "I never drank ink."

No one sipped.

Smirking at Sirius, Remus remarked, "I never hit on a teacher."

The dog animagus scowled at his lycanthropic mate as he raised his goblet to his lips.

"I never spend less four hours studying for a test," Sapphire supplied, causing everybody to drink.

Jessie commented, "I never enjoy spending time with my mum."

Sirius was the only individual that did not take a swig. Disliking their mothers was something he and Jessie had in common.

Lily informed, "I never sing in the shower."

It took James a moment to focus enough to drink along with almost everyone else in the common room because he had been imagining Lily in the shower.

Sapphire stood up and gaited clumsily towards the girls' staircase.

"Where are you going?" Jessie asked her older sister.

"Sleep," answered Sapphire. "I've had too much to drink already. I am going to bed before I say or do anything stupid." She kissed Remus lightly and went to her dorm.

The others saw the wisdom in her action and returned to their dormitouries as well. All except for James and Sirius, who remained behind to clean up. Remus offered to help them, however, transformation was tomorrow, so they insisted that he get rest.

"I think we did a swankified job making a last minute party," commented Sirius as he literally patted himself on the back.

"Swankified, indeed," nodded James.

"James, I need to talk to you," stated Lily reemerging from the girls' dorms.

"Okay," James told her. "Talk to me."

Lily's gaze wandered to Sirius. "Alone."

Sirius shrugged and strode up the boys' steps, knowing that he was leaving his best friend by himself in the common room at night with the girl of his dreams and a half empty bottle of alcohol. He hoped that James would have an exciting tale to tell the rest of the Marauders in the morning.

"Well?" James prompted.

"Look, um, remember how I said I needed time to think about that kiss?" Lily began awkwardly.

James nodded and silently prayed to every deity he had ever heard that her reaction would be positive.

"I decided that I, er, liked it...a lot, and that I like you too. I mean, you're not so arrogant that you disgust me anymore; you're just confident in an adorable way and you're funny and smart, so..." She cleared her throat, took a deep breath, and asked, "Will you go out with me?"

"Oui! Si! Ja! Etiam!" He picked Lily up and spun her around. "Yes!"

She laughed. "I think this calls for a celebration." She picked up two goblets and filled them with the unreasonably delicious alcohol that remained in the bottle. Raising her goblet she said, "Cheers to..."

"Cinderella's slipper," finished James. Lily must have looked as confused as she felt because he explained, "I have not been this happy since the prince found out Cinderella was his true love by having the slipper fit her foot." She shrugged and they hit their glasses together and drank deeply.

_Minerva's Note:_ I got the idea for the title of this chapter from something my parents said, but I don't know where they got it from. For those of you that are unaware, the word "swankified" is from _Wicked_, the story of the Wicked Witch of the West. They based a broadway musical play on it in the States. I've never seen it, but I love the soundtrack! I based my fic No Good Deed Goes Unpunished about Voldemort on some songs from there. Anyway, I'm babbling now, so REVIEW!


	12. Essay Comments

Chapter Twelve Essay Comments

"Good morning, good morning!  
And how do you do?  
Good morning, good morning!  
And Merlin bless you!" Peter sang, very poorly, to awaken Sirius and Remus.

"Wormtail, full moon is tonight," said Remus grumpily, affected again by his PMS (Pre Moon Sickness).

"Sorry," said Peter quickly. "But I can't find Prongs."

Sirius smirked. "I've got a pretty good idea about where he is."

"Where?" Peter asked.

Shaking his head, Sirius replied, "I'll let him tell you when he gets here." He hopped out of bed and pulled a black shirt over his bare torso, knowing that any girls in the common room would die of a heart attack if he failed to do so, but decided not to bother changing his neon blue pajama pants. "Until then let's go get into some trouble."

Peter and Remus hastily changed out of their pajamas and when they entered the common room they found it empty, which was unsurprising since it was 6:00 A.M. on a Saturday. Remus and Peter did not have the slightest clue where Sirius was headed, yet they continued to follow him. He eventually stopped at McGonagall's office door. The Christmas wreath had been taken down.

"Padfoot, why-" Remus began.

"You'll see," Sirius answered the unfinished question. He took a knife out of his pocket and slid it through the crevice of the door. It unlocked with a _click_. Once they were inside with the door shut Sirius instructed, "Find the essays Minnie has to grade. We're going to write our own comments on them."

They searched through drawers until Peter exclaimed, "I found them!"

"Good job," said Sirius.

Peter glowed at the praise.

"Here." Remus handed them each a quill. "I bought these at Zonko's last Hogsmeade weekend. They change the writer's handwriting. This way she won't have proof we did it." Sirius smirked, accepting the quill. Remus typically wasn't as intriuged by mischief making as the others were, however, on the occasions when he was Remus was extremely good at it.

Peter proceeded to write, _Wash your hair!_ on Snape's essay.

Remus located Malfoy's assignment and wrote, _It's obvious you're a natural blonde._

Sirius scrawled on his cousin, Narcissa's, work, _You're flat as a board and easy to nail._

Suddenly, a deep voice was heard from the fireplace. "Minerva?" The trio jerked their heads towards the face of a man that was clearly too boring to have any career besides a Ministry worker. He regarded them with surprise. "Where's Professor McGonagall?"

Promptly, Sirius took on the role of a secretary. "I'm Sirius Black, the school heart throb. Our dear professor is not here at the moment. Would you like me to take a message?"

"Er..." the man answered, disturbed by Sirius' behaviour. "That's all right. If you tell me where she is I'll try another fireplace."

Sirius' demeanour quickly altered to one of a Muggle child who is lying on the telephone when he is home alone. "She's in the shower."

"Then where's Professor Dumbledore?"

"He's in there with her."

Then man blanched. "Oh, ah, well, do you know how long they'll be?"

"Probably a few hours."

"I see...Thank you." The man's head disappeared muttering, "I think."

Peter, Remus, and Sirius collapsed into an uncontrollable fit of laughter.

"That was brilliant!" gushed Peter.

Remus said, "Yeah, it was, but I'd rather not be here when McGonagall gets back." The others nodded in agreement and the boys returned to their dorm to await James' return.


	13. Bobasmeel

_Minerva's Note:_ Okay, I'm breaking my own rules and giving you guys a really long chapter. Enjoy!

**Chapter Thirteen** Bobasmeel

A scream echoed throughout the room. "Bobasmeel!"

"What's a bobasmeel?" James groggily inquired.

"It's a word I just invented," Lily replied.

"Why would you invent a word?"

"Because, Potter, I don't like swearing, but a swear word seemed necessary right now."

_Potter? I thought she was calling me James now...Something must be wrong._ He rubbed the sleepiness from his eyes and looked at her. Her emerald eyes were wide with worry. For a moment he had to struggle not to get lost in those beautiful eyes so he could ask, "What's the matter?"

"Tell me you remember what we did last night," Lily pleaded.

He leaned back, straining to recall. It hurt to think. That's when he realised that his head throbbed painfully even if he didn't think. "We got drunk after the party, which explains why my head feels like it got stepped on by a giant." Glancing around the room he said in confusion, "I _do_ remember that the party was in the common room, so why are we in the Room of Requirement?" He knew what room it was because even though the contents of the room changed the unique cheese-patterned wallpaper remained the same.

Although, Lily had no idea where it was, she'd heard of the Room of Requirement. "I don't know, but I'm more concerned with why we required this." She gestured to the bed that the two of them were lying in. The sheets were tangled together and wrinkled, as if they had seen a great amount of physical activity, yet they still covered the bodies of the couple up to their shoulders.

James gulped nervously when his gaze fell upon the sheets. "One of us is going to have to check and see what state of decency, if any, we're in."

After taking a deep breath she quietly volunteered, "I'll do it." Lifting the sheet slightly she peaked underneath it and dropped it almost instantly, her face pale.

"We're not wearing anything, are we?" he asked anxiously.

Slowly, very slowly, Lily shook her head.

"Bobasmeel," muttered James.

There was a silence. An awkward silence. A long awkward silence. A pathetically long awkward silence.

"Maybe we're jumping to conclusions. Maybe nothing happened," said James hopefully, breaking the pathetically long awkward silence. It wasn't that he didn't desire to make-love to Lily, when he was truthful with himself he knew that it was quite the opposite, but if they did he wanted to be certain that Lily would have no regrets about it and he definitely didn't want them to be too drunk to recall it.

"Are you saying that a couple winds up nude in the same bed because they _didn't_ have sex?" Lily's disbelief was obvious.

"It's just that we don't remember, so we _could_ have been doing something else," James insisted, though he did not believe it himself.

Lily suddenly appeared happy for the first time that morning. She leaned over the edge where her garments were in a pile and began searching through them. She laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"This just reminded me of a pick-up line: that outfit you're wearing would look good in a crumpled heap next to my bed."

James chuckled. "My mates and me made a list of pick-up lines once."

"Really? I love them! Most of them never work and are super hilarious."

"What's your favourite?"

"Um, probably: I couldn't help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend." She cried, "I found it!"

"My mind?"

"No, that's beyond finding, James. I found my vial of Memory-Enhancing Draught."

"Why do you have that?"

"I dunno. I guess the crazy author needed me to randomly have it for the plot."

(All readers gasp, "There's a plot!")

"That makes sense," James reasoned, conjuring two cups. While he had his wand out he magicked the clothes off of the floor onto their owners.

Lily smiled gratefully at him and emptied half of the draught into her cup and the other half into his. They poured the bitter liquid down their throats. The effect of the drink was almost identical to being in a pensieve. James and Lily watched their past selves drink the remaining alcohol and begin snogging on the common room floor. (_Minerva's Note:_ To avoid confusion the "past selves" shall be referred to as Prongs ad Lils, while the regular sober ones are still called James and Lily.)

As their kisses became more heated with passion Prongs jumped off of Lils all of a sudden and declared, "I have a great idea!"

"Which is?" asked Lils. Lily was surprised at how slurred her words sounded.

"Just come with me," urged Prongs. He helped Lils to her feet and she obediently followed him out of the portrait hole, closely tailed by James and Lily.

Prongs walked with his back against the wall and sharply turned corners holding his hands in the shape of a gun line a secret agent.

"What are you doing?" laughed Lils.

"Sneaking up on my enemy," answered Prongs. Boldly, he strutted up to one of the suits of armor in the corridor. "So, Knight, you thought I'd let you get away with it, did you?"

Lils scratched her head in bewilderment. "What did he do?"

"He stole you from me," replied Prongs dramatically.

"Oh, now I know what you mean." Lils cottoned on to Prongs' game, and darted over to hold the armor's hand.

"Well, Evil Knight, I challenge you to a duel for having an affair with my lovely flower." Prongs paused. "Fine then!" He faced Lils. "The knight wants you to either choose him or me."

Looking back and forth between Prongs and the suit of armor, she responded, ""I'm sorry, but I cannot resist his sexiness. I'll miss you."

"Wait! What if I turn into something metal too, a Muggle thing, like an airplane?" Spreading his arms to look like wings, Prongs ran around the room making mechanical noises.

James sighed, "I act weird when I'm drunk."

"That isn't going to work," Lils informed, wrapping her arms around the knight.

Prongs fell to his knees and uncharacteristically begged, "Tell me what I have to do to get you back. I'll do anything. I'll even chicken dance with a notebook!"

"I'm _really_ weird when I'm drunk," stated James.

"You have to seduce me away from him," said Lils, as though this should have been obvious.

"How do I do that?" asked Prongs.

_Please, dear Merlin, don't let me have told him how,_ prayed Lily silently.

"It's very easy," Lils assured. "Because I'm strongly attracted to you already. In fact, I have dreams about you where we have x-rated fun."

"You do?" inquired Prongs.

"You do?" James inquired to Lily, but she was not listening.

"When I get wasted I am a complete whore!" Lily cried. "I mean, look at the way I'm groping that stupid suit of armor and 'x-rated fun' is such a slutty term!"

James glanced at Lils. She was embracing the knight a bit too intimately, but "groping" was defintely an exaggeration. "Flower, you're overreacting," he pointed out honestly, hugging Lily to calm her down.

"Oh, of course," Lils was saying. "Anyway, to turn me on look into my eyes while holding me against you. Then caress my back and kiss my neck." A hiccup erupted from her, emphasizing how much she'd had to drink.

_Bobasmeel,_ thought Lily. _How could I have told him ALL of my turn ons?_ She looked at James to see his reaction. He was watching with interest as Prongs promptly did what Lils instructed. Lils melted in his hands like butter and Prongs had to hold her tightly to prevent her from collapsing to the floor.

"Okay, you can take me back from the knight. You can do whatever you want with me," Lils murmured, clearly too weak with desire to speak any louder or say anymore.

Prongs beamed, took her hand, and pulled her down the hallways eagerly.

As they rushed after them James queried, "Does that turn you on when you're sober too?"

"What difference does it make?" demanded Lily defensively, face flushed.

"Just wondering." A small smile tugged at the corners of James' mouth, though his smile faded. "You might not be too happy with me in a moment." He gestured to the door of the Room of Requirement that had appeared and Prongs and Lils went through it, accidentally leaving it slightly ajar. "Because if a couple has sex the guy almost always gets blamed."

"I noticed that. Why is that?"

"Dunno."

"I'll be abnormal and not blame it all on you, okay? Especially since I was acting like a slut."

Firmly, James said, "Lily, as far as we know you're still a virgin. Have you ever heard of a virginal slut?"

She laughed while she shook her head.

"By the way," he continued, "thanks for being abnormal."

"My pleasure. I'm also strange, weird, odd, atypical (four hours later) peculiar, bizarre, unearthly, unusual, and freaky."

Before James could respond they heard Lils giggle, "This feels good! Why haven't we done this before?"

There was a loud creak of bedsprings when Prongs answered, "Aside from the fact that you hated me? I never brought it up because I was afraid you'd think it was a bad idea."

Lily and James involuntarily cringed.

"Should we go in?" asked James.

"Might as well," replied Lily. "The effects of the draught won't stop till we fall asleep."

Nodding gravely, James remarked, "Let's see what trouble we got ourselves into."

As they gaited through the open door they heard Prongs say, "That was great! Do it again!" Then they witnessed Lils obligingly leap off the bed, tumble in midair, and land on the floor on her feet. Prongs clapped.

Shocked, Lily breathed, "That's why we needed a bed? To jump on!"

"Seems that way," concurred James in relief.

"But then why do we wind up naked?" pondered Lily, puzzled.

James did not know the answer, thus he said naught and contented himself with watching Prongs and Lils do acrobatics that they hadn't ever known themselves capable of.

After precisely forty-seven minutes and nineteen seconds Lils commented, "All of this exercise is making me sweaty."

Prongs sniffed his armpits.

"That's it, I act _beyond_ weird when I'm drunk," muttered James.

"Hey, I'm sweaty too!" Prongs told Lils as if it was the most spectacular news in the world.

"Well, there aren't any showers in here, so what do we do about it?" asked Lils.

"We won't be hot if we take our clothes off," stated Prongs practically.

"You're right."

"No, I'm left."

"Oh, sorry." Lils' voice was momentarily muffled as she pulled her shirt over her head.

Lily and James immediately turned their backs on their past selves and looked determindly at the floor whilst they blushed.

Prongs and Lils threw each other's shoes so they ricocheted off the walls. One of Prongs' hit the door, causing it to shut. Eventually, they became bored of this.

"Ready to go to sleep?" Prongs suggested.

Lils nodded; they climbed under the sheets and drifted into dreamland almost instantly.

Everything became hazy and suddenly James and Lily found themselves back in the morning from whence they had come.

"That was, er, interesting," said Lily.

"Yeah, it sure was," James agreed. "I just want to know one thing."

"What's that?"

James gazed into her eyes. He slipped his arms around her waist and eased her body against his own. His hands slid along her back and through her crimson hair as his warm breath and soft lips brushed her neck lightly. With their bodies touching he could feel her heart beat faster and her knees weaken. "So it _does_ turn you on," James noted with satisfaction. "That's all I wanted to know." Gently, he released her from his embrace.

After taking a few deep breaths to return her heart rate to normal Lily questioned sharply, "Yes, it does, and what are you planning on doing with that knowledge?" She was relieved, embarrassed, turned on, and irritated all at the same time. It was an intruiging combination of emotions to say the least.

"Nothing now, but when the time comes it'll be useful," he replied cheerfully.

"You are so terrible," Lily scolded affectionately. She liked it when he was seductive, however, she never would have admitted it even under the horrifying threat of watching soap operas.

"I know, but you don't get to be a Marauder by being well behaved," James reminded her, still grinning.

"Misbehavers get punished."

"Are you going to punish me, my lovely flower?"

"Absolutely." She smiled wickedly. "I'm going to make your hair tidy."

James ran from the room screaming in terror.

Lily laughed and chased him around the entire castle.


	14. Bedknobs and Broomsticks

**Chapter Fourteen** Bedknobs and Broomsticks

James finally reached his dorm and charmed the door against _Alohomora_ to escape Lily. No matter how much he cared for her he would NOT under any circumstances allow her to tidy his hair.

"Hey, Prongs, where were you last night?" Sirius slyly queried.

"In bed with Lily."

Sirius clapped. "Sexcellent job!"

"Was she good?" asked Peter.

Before James could answer Sirius interupted, "She probably wasn't as good as she normally would be since she was drunk."

Remus looked at James with disapproval and disgust. "I can't believe you would get Lily drunk and take advantage of her. Even Padfoot wouldn't sink that low."

"Hey!" said Sirius, offended.

Again, James opened his mouth, but this time Peter interrrupted to defend James, "Evans is lucky that he would give a Mudblood like her any attention." No one took notice of his comment since Remus and Sirius were still bickering and James was running his hand through his hair in frustration at being ignored.

"GUYS, LISTEN!" James commanded.

Sirius and Remus joined Peter in gazing at James with such undivided attention it was almost creepy.

"Thanks," James said. "Okay, what I meant by being in bed with Lily was that we were both wasted and jumping on a bed. We got tired, so we fell asleep."

Peter and Sirius looked disappointed, yet Remus smiled.

James detested seeing his comrades upset; therefore he added, "I found out what turns her on, though."

Mollified, Sirius and Peter smiled also.

"Prongs, you have a Quidditch match today," Remus reminded him.

"Oh, bobasmeel, I do!" James immediately removed the spell from the door and rushed to the Quidditch Pitch.

"Bobasmeel?" wondered Remus. "I know that's not in the dictionary."

The other two shrugged and soon they all headed to the Pitch as well, locating seats beside Jessie, Lily, and Sapphire.

Madame Hooch beckoned Godric's and Salazar's teams onto the field and had James and Lucius, the captains, grudgingly shake hands. Instead of a quaffle she released a bed-knob to signal the beginning of the game. Flustered by her mistake, she threw the Snitch and quaffle forcefully at the sky in the same moment. The players sped into the air to attempt to catch the balls and started to play.

"The first goal is scored by Potter," came Lucetta Malfoy's drawl.

Sirius glanced over at her. The sunlight illuminated her sleek silvery-blonde hair as she sat in the commentator's box, which caused it look white. His wretched cousin, Narscissa, was dating her equally wretched brother. He couldn't imagine that Lucetta, who was also in Slytherin, would be any different from them.

Lucetta continued, bored, "That was quite a foul the beater, Goyle, just did to Gryffindor's Keeper, and Hooch is clearly unhappy about it. Okay, she's done yelling at him and the game resumes with even more energy than before. Both team seems to want the other to loose shamefully because they loathe each other." She brightened for the first time. "That reminds me of a song."

Lily thought, _I hope she doesn't sing._

She sang, "What is this feeling  
So sudden and new  
I felt the moment  
I laid eyes on you?  
My pulse is rushing.  
My head is reeling.  
My face is flushing.  
What is this feeling?  
Fervid as a flame,  
Does it have a name?  
Yes! Loathing,  
Unadulterated loathing  
For your face,  
Your voice,  
Your clothing.  
Let's just say I loathe it all.  
Ev'ry little trait, however small  
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl  
With simple utter loathing.  
There's a strange exhilaration  
In such total detestation.  
It's so pure; so strong,  
Though I do admit it came on fast,  
Still I do believe that it can last,  
And I will be loathing,  
Loathing you,  
My whole life long!"

Everyone, including the players, stared at her. She would most assuredly be remembered for her chant, not as a result of her voice being particularly good or poor (it was of middling quality), but because no commentator ever _sang_ before.

While everybody gazed at her James took advantage of the moment and easily scored five goals in a row. The final tally was Slytherin- 60 Gryffindor- 270.

Jessie leapt up on the stands and exalted with the rest of her house, "I can't believe we won by so much!"

After a moment of swift calculating in her head Sapphire added, "This means we're almost guaranteed to win the Cup, for the Slytherin-Hufflepuff match is the last one of the season and Hufflepuff has done so badly this year they've no hope of winning the Cup. Slytherin can't win it either unless they beat Hufflepuff by one-hundred ninety points."

"That's great!" exclaimed Peter. He dashed off as rapidly as his stubby legs could carry him to inform James of the fabulous news, followed leisurely by Sirius and Remus. James grinned ecstatically when they told him.

Lucius glared sulkily at the happy Gryffindors. "Go screw yourselves."

"I'd rather not," was Remus' mild reply.

James' eyes swept over the stands for a brief second to ensure that Lily wasn't watching ere he fished his wand out the pocket of his Quidditch robes and cast a jinx. At the last possible minute Peter accidentally bumped into his wand arm, sending the spell in the wrong direction.

It hit Lucetta. The shoelaces crawled out of her shoes and belly-danced away from her across the grounds and into the lake where they drowned. "Those were my favourite shoelaces!" she cried. "They had the ABC's on them..." She covered her face with her hands and darted to the castle.

Remus suggested, "Maybe you should apologise."

"What for?" demanded James, who shared Sirius' opinion that no Slytherin was a good one.

"Never mind," the lycanthrope muttered. "Let's just go."

"Not till I hex Malfoy." James spun around wildly. "Where did he go?"

Sirius spat, "Sodding coward must've run off."

"Oh well." James shrugged and smiled. "Let's go have a party in the common room!"

Nobody could argue with that, so they left.

Severus Snape regarded their departure with contempt. He knew not that James' action was an accident, however, even if he were aware of that it would have mattered little. All he knew was that jynxing him was one thing, yet Lucetta was another thing entirely. The other students trudged back towards the school whilst he made his way to the greenhouses to gather potion ingredients. The Marauders were going to pay.

_Minerva's Note:_ "Loathing" is a song written by Steven Shwarts. Anyway, as you can see, I've decided to go back to writing long chapters for a whille, which should make up for the long time I took to update this.


	15. Devious Draught

**Chapter Fifteen** Devious Draught

Snape was in his dorm brewing a potion. A potion high above the N.E.W.T. level. A potion that had taken him months to make. A potion that had been banned a century ago by the Ministry of Magic.

He dealt with being the victim of the Marauders' pranks for years and he eagerly retaliated because he was so vindictive, but now they'd hurt Lucetta. They had gone too far.

Surveying the potion, Snape smiled mirthlessly. "Perfect." He transferred the liquid, which was as clear and tasteless as innocent water, from the cauldron into a black canister without spilling a drop and clamped on the lid tightly. He ambled through the dungeon common room and empty corridors until he arrived at a portrait of a fruit basket. He tickled the pear and smirked as it swung open to reveal an opening. _The Marauders may know all of Hogwarts' secrets, but they aren't the only ones that know them,_ he thought smugly.

It was not near mealtime; therefore the house-elves had retired from the kitchen. Snape unscrewed the cap and carefully poured equal amounts of the draught into the four goblets that he knew Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew would be drinking from since they invariably seated themselves in the same place at Gryffindor table.

Satisfied, he returned to the dungeon to wait for Lucetta. Soon the portrait hole opened and the Slytherins entered with scowls on their faces and Snape could easily discern that they had not won the final Quidditch match of the season. He was disappointed; not because he cared about Quidditch, but because it would put his rivals in a good mood.

Conversely, Lucetta was smiling. "Severus!" She ran over to him. "Mother and father owled me the best gift for my birthday!"

"So?" said Snape coldly. He did not like her parents because he was aware of the fact that they ordered her around almost as much as they did their house-elf since she was not as gifted with magic as Lucius. Lucetta was brilliant; she could break any code in seconds and read whole sets of encyclopedias in a matter of hours, but when she had a wand in her hand she was a disaster waiting to happen.

"Don't you even want to know what it is?"

"Fine."

"A paper clip!"

He blinked his fathomless black eyes. "Are you really excited over a paper clip?"

She answered quietly, "Well, yeah. I mean, nobody else, not even Lucius, remembered that today was birthday."

Snape was slightly hurt that Lucetta speculated that he had forgotten, yet he was even more perplexed at how Lucius could have forgotten since they were twins. _He probably just couldn't be bothered to get her anything,_ he realised in disgust. Snape wasn't fond of Lucius either, however, Lucius was not as annoying as the other selfish cowardly Slytherins, the Dark Lord favoured him, and he was Lucetta's brother, which were reasons to spend time with him.

As usual, Snape showed none of his emotions as he wordlessly removed a parcel from his pocket and handed it to her.

After she tore off the wrapping she saw a small book about the alphabet. She threw her arms around him in gratitude. "Thank you, Severus."

Trying not to flush at her enthusiastic embrace, he responded monotonously, "Whatever. You're welcome."

When it was time for dinner Snape went to the Great Hall with the rest of the school, acting indifferent as always so as not to arouse suspicion. Only once did he glance at his adversaries, and he felt grim satisfaction when he noted that they had drained their goblets. His potion would begin to take effect the moment that they fell asleep.

Upon their return to Gryffindor Tower, James asked, "Shall we throw a party in the common room to celebrate how I managed to win the Quidditch Cup?"

Remus shook his head. "We have a Transfiguration test tomorrow, so we should get some rest."

Sirius snorted. "Do you think we're gonna listen to _that_ logic?"

"I have an idea!" declared Peter.

"That's a first," quipped James.

Peter blushed and immediately shut his mouth.

"Wormtail, don't listen to him. Tell us your idea," said Remus kindly.

"We won't have a party if you tell us a story," he suggested as a comprimise.

James and Sirius grinned while Remus groaned. Whenever Remus attempted to tell his fellow Marauders a tale they would incessantly interrupt him with irrelevant questions.

"Okay," Remus reluctantly agreed at last because he understood that if he refused they would deliberately have a celebration that was unreasonably loud to prevent him from getting the sleep that he desperately wanted.

It took ten minutes for them to get through the common room as a result of everyone complimenting James on his exceptional performance during the game, even though it had been months ago, and he was sorely tempted to stay and bask in their admiration, though the temptation to help Sirius and Peter agitate Remus was stronger.

Finally, they reached the dorm, or the "Marauding Lair" as they were wont to call it on occasion. Each of the foursome sat at the foot of their own four-poster with their legs dangling over the edge.

"What sort of story do you want me to tell you?" He added swiftly, "And I don't know any about sexy girls that worship people named Sirius and James."

"Dammit," sighed James.

"How about something that has to do with a bunny since it's almost Easter?" recommended Peter. _Did I just say something practical?_

_Did he just say something practical?_ wondered Remus.

James and Sirius thought the same thing. "Did you just say something practical?" they questioned Peter in unison. They never kept a thought to themselves and had very little, if any, tact.

"I-I think so," Peter murmured in astonishment.

Remus stated, "We should have a moment of respectful silence for this miracle."

For the first and only time in history the Marauders were quiet or a solid minute.

"_Now_ tell us a story about a bunny," instructed Sirius comically.

Closing his eyes, Remus searched his mind for any story that related to a rabbit. I imagine he looked very handsome sitting at the end of his bed with his eyelids gently shut in concentration. sighs dreamily Wait! This has nothing to do with the plot of my fan fiction!

"I guess I could tell you The Velveteen rabbit," Remus eventually commented.

"Okey-dokey," they replied.


	16. The Velveteen Rabbit

**Chapter Sixteen **The Velveteen Rabbit

"Well, there was a-"

"Hold on! All good stories start with 'once upon a time," Sirius insisted.

Knowing it was wisest not to argue, Remus began again, "Once upon a time there was a little boy and-"

"I thought this was about a bunny," whined Peter.

"It is," Remus reassured. "But there's a boy in it to."

James inquired, "Are there any glass slippers?"

"No, that's just Cinderella," remarked Remus.

"Aw," James moaned in disappointment

The werewolf ignored James and went on, "On Christmas day the boy-"

Sirius demanded, "Isn't this an Easter story?"

Remus took a deep breath and mentally counted to ten; they were beginning to irritate him. "It's about a rabbit, not Easter. That's what you guys said you wanted, remember?"

"Oh yeah! I forgot."

"Can I continue now?"

"Of course."

"Are you going to keep interrupting?"

"Of course."

"Then I won't finish."

"You must. If you don't I'll tell Saphy your deepest, darkest secret."

"She already knows that I'm a werewolf."

"I mean your other secret."

Remus gasped in horror, "You wouldn't!"

James chimed in, "Yep, we'll let Sapphire know that you sing Elvis song in your mum's tulip garden if you don't finish."

"Fine, I'll tell you the rest," he muttered. "The boy got a velveteen rabbit from Santa."

"But You-Know-Who killed Santa, didn't he?" Peter queried in a forlorn tone.

Sirius and James broke into song, "Grandma got run over by a reindeer,  
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.  
You may say there's no such thing as Santa.  
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!"

"Really? That's so sad!" Peter sobbed uncontrollably for twenty minutes, and even fell off of his bed. He only stopped his weeping when James made him laugh by juggling Sirius and Remus. (Don't ask me how James could juggle two seventeen year-old boys, because I haven't the slightest clue.)

All of the Marauders returned to the edge of their own beds and Remus resumed his storytelling as if Peter's outburst had never occurred. "The little boy loved that rabbit, so he brought it with him everywhere. If he was playing outside, reading, sleeping, or eating the rabbit was with him because-"

Sirius interjected with a sly smirk on his face, "When he was eating what?"

"Breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I meant 'eating' in the literal sense of the word."

"That's how I meant it too," replied Sirius in false innocence.

The lycanthrope rolled his eyes. "Anyway, where was I?"

James informed straight-faced, "You were about to give us all ten galleons."

"I was not, I...Now I remember: because the boy loved the rabbit so much it became real to him. Then it could love the boy back and there was nothing it enjoyed more than to be held tightly in the boy's arms, even though that meant its fur no longer had a silky shine."

"Stuffed animals are not real," scoffed James.

"They are to the child that owns them," Remus commented through clenched teeth. His friends were getting on the last of his large amount of patience. _Why can't they just let me tell the story? _he thought desperately.

_Because then they wouldn't be them, a voice inside Remus' mind answered, a voice he didn't recognise. _

_Who are you? _

_The voice that recites advertisements in Peter's head. I haven't been mentioned since chapter three. The author didn't think I'd be coming up again, but here I am! How could she make such a dumb mistake? She's a total candle! _

_I always tell James and Sirius not to call the Slytherins that and you shouldn't call her that either. I think she's nice. _

_Really? But she's obsessed with you. She wants to be with you every second of eternity, marry you, and bear your children. _

_That's ridiculous. If she felt that way why wouldn't she write herself in as my girlfriend instead of making up Sapphire? _

_Because she's mental. _

_Be quiet. _

_Well, she is! _

_I know, but please quit insulting her. As the writer, she controls our fate. _

_Can I insult you instead? _

_Uh...no. _

_Why not? _

_You're supposed to be an advertising voice, not an insulting one. _

_Hmm, I guess I can't argue with you there. There was a pause followed by a commercial jingle: Here's a jingle for Goldfish.  
Yes, baked and not fried Goldfish!  
The wholesome snack  
That smiles back  
Until you bite their heads off!  
Did you know they're made with real cheese  
Even though they look like fishes?  
The snack that smiles back! Goldfish! _

Remus clapped courteously.

Sirius, James, and Peter stared at him.

"I was applauding the advertising voice," explained Remus.

"You stole my voice!" Peter accused, lunging at Remus. "Give it back! I'm so lonely without it."

_You'd better go back to Wormtail. _

_I don't like him. He's boring. _

_If the author does love me she won't let him strangle me. She'll make you go back. _

_Hmm, I guess I can't argue with you there._ The voice returned to Peter's dull brain, thus Peter got off of Remus and went onto his bed again.

"That was weird," muttered Sirius.

"So is your face," James teased.

"Oh yeah? Well, can I borrow your face because my arse is going on holiday?" retorted Sirius.

"GUYS, LET ME FINISH TELLING THE BLOODY STORY!" Remus shouted; the poor bloke's last nerve had finally shattered.

"Moony just swore! It's a sign of the apocalypse!" Sirius cried. He ran around the dorm screaming until he crashed into the wall with an echoing boom, which seemed to calm him down. "I'm all right now. What happened next?"

Remus had regained his typical calm composure. "There's a happy or a sad ending depending on what version you read. Which one do you want?"

James responded instantly, "Sad."

"The boy gets sick and his germs get all over the rabbit, so the mum burns the it in a fire."

"Cool!" James and Sirius exclaimed.

Peter whimpered.

Smiling gently at Peter, Remus said, "In the happy version a fairy comes and turns the velveteen rabbit into a real rabbit."

"Yay!" Peter beamed.

Sirius and James moaned.

"Good night." Remus snuggled into his blankets, relieved the tale was over.

"You didn't say 'the end," Sirius protested.

"The end."

The Marauders drifted into sleep and the potion began its work.

Minerva's Note: **bloodthirstyAmazon **_Carnivalgirl _**HanSolosGal** _Hikaze Chimizu_ **K McNeely **_LunaMoon224_ **Marauding-Stripes** _Spazz1989_ **tangerine-y** and _Arya Shadeslayer_ (I love your penname) all have this fic on their alert list so why did I recieve 0 reviews for my two previous chapters? I know that most of you have reviewed before and I'd like you to continue reviewing because your input about the story means a lot to me. I have longed to be able to respond to my lovely reviews for quite some time, however, this website has a rule that it is not allowed. Does anyone want to sign the petition my mates and I have against this unjust rule?

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter; tis one of my favourites!


	17. Severus' Revenge

**Chapter Seventeen** Severus' Revenge

James rubbed his eyes wearily and his hand groped around on the bedside table until it clasped around his wire-rimmed spectacles. He shoved them onto his face and out of habit ran his fingers through his hair. _Is it longer? No, I must be imagining things..._ He pulled back his hangings and his gaze fell upon a brown-haired girl. She was the most delicate, graceful creature he had ever seen. Personally, he fancied fiery women with more energy than grace, like Lily, yet just because this girl did not fit his preferences didn't mean that James lacked the ability to recognise a beauty when he saw one. "Excuse me, but what are you doing here?"

The girl spun around and looked at him. "What did you do to your hair?" She clapped a hand over her mouth as if she could not believe the sound of her own voice. She had a calm pleasant voice similar to one James knew very well, but could not currently place.

At the utterance of the female voice the curtains surrounding Sirius' bed opened. James gasped, for Sirius was not in the bed. Instead, a muscular girl with silky black hair was sitting propped up against the pillows staring at the brown-haired girl and licking her lips. "Why who might you be, my vision of loveliness?" she questioned flirtatiously.

"Sirius?" the beauty asked the muscular girl in disbelief.

She stood up and bowed. "The one and only Sirius Orion Black at your service."

Wearing a thoughtful expression that James was certain he'd seen somewhere before, the girl looked from James to the lady that claimed to be Sirius. Then slowly, almost fearfully, she stared down at herself. She screamed, "I'm a girl!"

The silky-haired damsel laughed, "And what else would a pretty thing like you be?"

The attractive one gave the other girl a crooked smile. "Padfoot, do you realise what you're doing?"

"Of course, I-Hang on, how do you know my nickname?"

"I'm Remus, you dolt."

"What!" James heard himself exclaim in unison with the strong dame. It couldn't be! Could it? _She does remind me of Remus and the other acts like Sirius. Maybe-_ James leapt out of bed and rushed into the loo to the mirror. His face was clearly feminine and his untidy hair had grown past his shoulders. Before he had time to react to this there was a girlish shriek from the other room. James darted back there and saw Sirius gazing down his (her?) pants looking horrified.

"My dick is gone!" Sirius exclaimed, tears welling up in his grey eyes.

"Well, naturally it is," stated Remus, his\her composure regained. "In case you haven't noticed we're all women."

The tears leaked from Sirius' eyes.

James wondered, "What about Wormtail?" Now that he thought about his voice no longer sounded like his own.

Remus gravely walked over to Peter's four-poster and yanked away the hangings. A chubby blonde girl yawned and stared at Remus. "Did I die in my sleep? Are you an angel?"

With a sigh Remus explained, "No, I'm Remus. We all got gender changes."

Peter glanced down at his own body and squealed, "Aaahhhh! How'd it happen?"

"I don't know, but I don't think there's a charm that can do anything like this. It had to be a potion."

"Don't you mean a poison?"

"...If you want to look at it like that."

"Moony, we're cockless!" James said, who was almost as upset as Sirius about it, though at least he was not curled up in a fetal position sobbing. "Of course it was a poison...And even though I'm a girl I barely have any boobs; that's not fair!"

"I hardly think that matters."

"Shut it! The only reason you're not upset is that you look hot," accused James.

Remus blinked. "What?"

Peter piped up, "It's true. Look in the mirror."

The werewolf slowly gaited towards the looking glass and examined the reflection of his long soft hair, full pink lips, and curvy figure. "I guess I clean up pretty good," he admitted. Turning to his friends, he added, "But I already have to suffer once a month and if we stayed girls I'd have to suffer twice each month, so I'd rather we got changed back to normal."

"Why twice?" asked Peter, crawling out of bed with difficulty since his breasts and hips made him weigh even more than usual.

"I'd have Pre Moon Sickness and Pre Menstrual Syndrome."

"Oh...I thought PMS stood for Please Make Shortcake."

James demanded, "Are we just going to stand around talking, or are we going to fix this?"

"But, Prongs, it's harder to get a girl fixed than it is to get a guy fixed," murmured Peter worriedly.

"I meant are we going to find a way to get our cocks back and chests flat, though mine is still pretty flat, or just stand here?"

"Save our manhood! Save our manhood!" cried Sirius, leaping up from the fetal position.

"Let's go to Dumbledore," suggested Remus.

"Can Dumbledore give us our manhood?"

Ignoring how **wrong** the question was worded, James answered, "I really hope so, old buddy."

"Never call a lady 'old," chided Remus.

James shrugged and retrieved the invisibility cloak so no one would see them walking around as women.

The four of them could barely fit underneath it, but they coped as best as they could on their way to Dumbledore's office. James was Head Boy; therefore he knew the password to cause the gargoyle to leap aside. After they ascended the staircase James threw the cloak off of them and folded it up until it was small enough to fit into the pocket of the masculine pajama pants that were on his female body. Then he nodded at Peter, who knocked anxiously on the oak door.

"Enter," came Dumbledore's cheery tone. They stumbled in and saw that Albus Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall had either just been in a heated debate with the portraits surrounding the headmaster's desk or they'd been snogging each other senseless. Since the portraits were hiding their faces behind their frames the pupils did not want to guess which one it had been.

"Who are you?" McGonagall suspiciously inquired.

"Exactly who we look like, Minnie." James added, "With a few changes."

McGonagall's eyes flashed furiously. "The only other students that have the nerve to call me that are Potter and Black."

Dumbledore regarded the Marauders thoughtfully and turned back to McGonagall. "Precisely."

"What do you mean _precisely_?" asked McGonagall.

"Who do these youths remind you of?"

Once she had stared at them for a moment she gasped, "Boys, how did this happen?"

"We don't know!" Peter cried desperately.

"We'd never do it to ourselves if that's what you're thinking," mumbled Sirius, hands clasped firmly together to prevent them from traveling below the waist in search of something that was no longer there.

"I know you wouldn't," agreed Dumbledore. "Minerva, please go to the dungeon and see if we have any potions to reverse this."

McGonagall departed and returned in less than five minutes carrying three bottles. "Horace only had these, which is enough for three of you to change back. He says the gender-change potion and the antidote both take months to make, but there is one rare and expensive plant that can be added to the regular ingredients, which causes it to be ready in one week."

"There's bound to be more than enough money in the school treasury to pay for the plant," assured Dumbledore.

"So, one of has to stay a girl for a whole week!" exclaimed Sirius.

"It's better than months," McGonagall said curtly. "Which one of you is it going to be?"

**Minerva's Note:** Who will it be? Whoever guesses correctly gets to be mentioned in the story!

**The above competition is over since the chapter with the winners has already been written and posted, however, you can still guess for fun if you'd like!**


	18. Joanna

**Chapter Eighteen** Joanna

James and Sirius glanced at each other, nodded, and said, "Remus."

"Why me?" queried Remus in surprise.

"Probably 'cause you look the best as a girl," stated Peter. "James looks like a cross-dresser, Sirius looks like a chick on steroids, and I just look ugly."

No one mentioned that Peter was equally as ugly as a guy.

"I picked Remus since he's as poetic and sensitive as a girl already," James informed.

"Not all girls are poetic," remarked Sirius. "Jessie isn't."

"How will Jessie react when she finds out that you hit on me?" wondered Remus humourously.

"I wouldn't have if I had known that you were actually a bloke, but Jessie won't mind that I did; we both flirt with other people because it's fun. We just don't date other people," Sirius truthfully told Remus.

McGonagall did not approve of her nieces flirtatious ways and had to admit to herself that Jessie and Sirius most likely did more than _flirt_ with one another and could have STD's, like popularity. Popularity is a Socially Transmitted Disease. However, she did approve of Remus as the one to remain a dame. "Whoever stays this way will have to sleep in the girls' dorm for the week, and I think Lupin is the only one that can be trusted not to peek at the young ladies while they're undressing."

Peter, Sirius, and James averted their eyes, not bothering to defend themselves...Well, what does that tell you?

"Very well," sighed Remus resignedly. "I guess I can cope with waiting a week before I change back."

While the Transfiguration professor distributed the bottles Dumbledore smiled at Remus. "I'm proud of you. You might even learn something from this."

"Such as?" Remus questioned, not impolitely, but skeptically.

"Wait and see, and be sure to share everything you learn with your friends."

Remus gazed over at his friends, who were men again. "Yes, sir."

"Since you are, indeed, such a pretty girl you're bound to learn a great deal." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled with amusement. "Now, we can't have the entire school knowing one of the Marauders literally got in touch with his feminine side. Instead of Remus John Lupin your name shall be...hmm, John Remus- Joanna Summers. Joanna is here for a week under circumstances she is forbidden to discuss." He instructed the boys, "If anyone asks where Remus is tell them he is sick in the hospital wing. Remus often misses class, so they shouldn't question that. Also, by the time Joanna reaches her new dorm her necessary belongings will be there. Off you go."

Upon their return to Gryffindor Tower James smiled. "Almost all of MWPP is back to normal."

"What's MWPP?" Peter inquired.

"Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs."

"Oh...I thought MWPP stood for Must Wash Pants Periodically."

The rest of the way back to the common room the only sound any of them heard was Sirius' song about the return of his cock, which is too inappropriate to repeat, whilst Remus glumly pondered what his next week would hold for him.

**Minerva's Note:** Those of you that speculated our favourite werewolf would be the one forced to stay a woman - 22Aeris, hell elf, and HansSolosGal - get to be mentioned in the story; I just have not yet decided when. I shall be certain to let you know! If you guessed incorrectly do not despair, for you only had a 1/4 chance of being accurate. Anyway, now is the time for all of you lovely people to review! The more reviews I get the sooner you all get to hear about Joanna's escapades!


	19. Introductions

_Minerva's Note: _Since it took so long for me to update I'm giving you a long chapter.

**Chapter Nineteen** Introductions

"Hey, Moon-I mean Joanna, maybe you shouldn't talk to us until the week is over. It might be suspicious if you do," counseled James as they arrived back in the common room.

"If you think that's best," RemusJoanna said.

"And find out the girls' secrets," added Sirius.

Maybe," muttered Remus, walking up the girls' staircase for the first time. He nervously opened the seventh year dorm door.

"What do you mean macaroni is the root of all evil?" Lily demanded of Alice Johnson. "Everyone knows lasagna is the root of all evil because Garfield likes it so much."

"I guess I'm not everyone then," murmured Alice. She was brown-eyed, black-haired girl with a few freckles scattered on her pale cheeks. (**Minerva's note**: I'm referring to her face.) She might have been pretty on her own, however, she was never far from her closest friend Lily and was sometimes with Sapphire, and next to them she didn't look like much. Remus did not want to admit it to himself, but he knew that he was more attractive than her and almost as good-looking as Lily. In his opinion, though, no one could even be compared to Sapphire.

At the sound of the door Lily turned and looked at Remus. "Who are you?"

"Joanna Summers," Remus replied. "I don't want to intrude, but Dumbledore told me to stay here for a week. Just a week, and then I won't bother you again."

"You're not bothering us," said Sapphire kindly.

"Not yet anyway," Lily joked.

"That must be why that stuff is here." Alice pointed to a four-poster that was identical to the one he slept upon in the boys' dorm with a wooden trunk at the foot of the bed.

"Yes," Remus agreed.

"You'd better get ready. We only have an hour until classes start," warned Alice.

Confused, Remus questioned, "Why would I need an hour to get ready?" He typically prepared for the day in fifteen minutes: ten minutes to shower, shave his face, and brush his teeth and five minutes to dress and comb his hair.

"Fifteen minutes to shave or wax your legs, twenty minutes to shower, five minutes to get dressed, ten minutes to have your hair styled, and ten minutes to do your make-up," stated Alice as if that should have been obvious. "Why do you even have to ask?"

"Oh I, ah, don't usually take that long."

"Saphy takes less time than me and Lils too. She refuses to touch her make-up and only shaves her legs every two or three days. She can get away with that since her hair is blonde; it's too light to see. That's Sapphire, by the way." She indicated his girlfriend. "And she's Lily and I'm Alice."

"Pleased to meet you." _It's always nice to be introduced to people I've known almost my entire life._ "Well, if you're done in the loo I'll just go shower now."

"We're finished. Go ahead," Sapphire graciously offered.

Remus entered the water closet and shut and locked the door behind him. Knowing he would have to wear a skirt, as it was part of the Hogwarts uniform, Remus took waxing strips out of the cabinet beneath the sink. He stuck them to his legs, left them on for the required time, and peeled the first one off. Instantly, he bit his lip to hold back a yelp; he hadn't expected it to hurt, but he had suffered severe agony during full moons, so he got through the rest of the strips with mere winces, which he doubted the other Marauders could have done.

During his shower he attempted to wash himself without taking notice of his new parts.

He emerged from the toilet with a towel wrapped around him self-consciously. He went over to his trunk and pulled out Joanna's clothes. He felt slightly awkward changing in front of the girls despite the fact that he was physically the same gender. Fortunately, none of the girls appeared to be paying any attention to him: Lily was plaiting Alice's hair, Alice was intent on staring at a photograph of her boyfriend Frank Longbottom, and Sapphire was reading.

As a result, he dropped the towel and donned his new attire. Briefly, he wondered how Dumbledore knew his bra size; then he realised he'd rather not know.

"You seem uncomfortable," Sapphire observed as they headed to the Great Hall.

"A little," confessed Remus. "I'm just not used to being here." By 'here' he meant _in this body_, yet he was aware that they'd interpret it to mean _in this school_.

"You'll like it soon; it's wonderful!" assured Sapphire, sitting down to breakfast.

"To you, but you're used to it."

"New things can seem odd, but if you give it a fair try you'll see how great it is."

Remus smiled, for Sapphire had no idea what they were truly discussing. "Okay. Thanks."

"No problem."

Lily suggested, "If you're upset just do what I do."

"What's that?"

"Whenever I feel blue I start breathing again."

He laughed. Lily had a quick temper, though she was quick-witted also. She really was a perfect match for James.

Alice finished drinking her milk and asked, "Who was the first person to say, 'I'm gonna squeeze these dangly things and drink what comes out?"

Everyone cracked up and Remus saw Sirius, James, and Peter glance over at them.

Lily caught him looking. "Those are the Marauders. James, the one with the Head Boy badge and glasses, is mine. Sirius, the muscular one, is funny and belongs to Sapphire's little sister. Peter, the short one, is the only boy of the four that doesn't get good grades. Remus – where is Remus?"

He had been about to snigger at the possessive way she referred to James and Sirius; they would be both flattered and annoyed by that, but questioning his absence chased away all amusement.

"Probably sick again," said Alice. "He's a sweet bookworm that gets sick _a lot_." She ate a piece of toast before adding, "He's Saphy's."

Sapphire, who knew the reason for Remus' 'illness,' nodded. "Poor Remmy. I'll visit him after classes."

"Will the nurse allow that?" queried Remus anxiously.

"I won't know until I try."

"Speaking of classes, we'd better get going," Lily advised.

**Minerva's Note:** Please review so I know I still have readers. I wouldn't bother updating if it wasn't for you.


	20. The Three S's

**Chapter Twenty** The Three S's

Their first class was Herbology with Professor Sprout, a stout kindly young woman. "Morning everyone. You have an easy lesson today. You're going to be weeding the garden. Just be sure not to pull out anything significant, like a mandrake. Who can tell me the difference between a weed and useful plant by simply looking at the part aboveground?"

Sirius' hand shot up and when Sprout called on him he recited the book from memory: "When weeding, the best way to make certain that you're removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull it. If it comes out of the ground easily it's a valuable plant." Obviously, it was not a school textbook from which he was reciting.

Amid the students' chuckles Sprout corrected, "No, Mr. Black. The leaves are a darker shade of green. Fortunately, these are actual weeds you'll be pulling up, not plant-like creatures. Get to work."

Remus squatted down, which was difficult since he was unaccustomed to wearing a skirt, and began weeding beside the girls. He heard his fellow Marauders discussing how they would send the weeds to McGonagall claiming they were from Dumbledore, and this instilled the desire in Remus to strike up a conversation of his own.

"Sapphire, what's Remus like?" he asked in Joanna's melodic voice. _This ought to be interesting._

She thought carefully for a moment. "He's very admirable."

"Admirable?" Whatever he had expected her to say it was not that.

"Yes. He has a lot of personal suffering to deal with, but if people knew about it they would scorn him out of fear and ignorance rather than give him the respect he deserves. Such prejudice would make most people bitter and angry at the world, but Remus is always polite, loyal, pleasant, and optimistic."

Remus was touched; warmth filled his heart. "Have you told him that?"

"No. He never asked, though I assume he already knows. After all, I tell him I love him all of the time because-"

Alice interrupted, "Because he has the three S's."

Sapphire said, "That is a plus, but I've never told Remmy about them."

"What are they?" queried Remus, however, he already had a speculation since rule numer 67 of the Marauding Code was, _Never consider dating a girl that doesn't have the three B's: brilliance, beauty, and bravery._

"Smart, sexy, and sweet, of course," answered Lily.

"Oh, right. I forgot," Remus lied. It was nice to know that, in general, mature men and women were searching for the same thing.

"This class is so boring today, and I'm good at it when it's interesting," Alice complained before shouting, "Professor Sprout, what time is it?" The lesson ended at nine-thirty.

"What was that, Dear?" called Sprout from the opposite side of the greenhouse.

As appealing as screaming a second time seemed Alice opted to simply point to her wrist to indicate her inquiry.

"Nine-twenty-four," Sprout informed vociferously.

Sapphire wondered aloud, "Why do people point to their wrist when asking the time, but they don't point to their crotch when asking where the toilet is?"

After a moment of pondering Lily responded, "I don't know. It's a good question. Life is all about asking questions."

"I agree. Without asking questions you can't be expected to learn anything," supplied Remus.

"I don't think so," Alice disputed. "Life is all about sex."

"Alice!" gasped Sapphire, scandalised.

"Life is sexually transmitted," explained Alice casually.

"While it's true that without sex a new life can't be created I don't feel that sex is the purpose of life," stated Lily.

Remus was impressed that the ladies could discuss intimacy calmly; he was aware that his friends were incapable of doing so. Were girls always so practical when it came to sex?

The bell rang before he could find out.

As the pupils were filing out of the greenhouse Sprout summoned, "Please, come here, Miss Summers."

Remus approached hesitantly. "Yes?"

"Dumbledore explained your situation to the staff, so all of your teachers will know not to force Remus to make up schoolwork next week since he, ah you, are doing it right along with everyone else this week."

"Right," said Remus gratefully to show that he'd completely understood even if she had not.

"Well, enjoy the rest of you day, Lupin."

_We'll see,_ thought Remus doubtfully.

**Minerva's Note:** I feel badly about not updating, so why don't I update every Tuesday? Review to tell me what you think of this idea and the chapter!


	21. Quizzes

**_Minerva's Note_** _The individuals from and that correctly speculated Remus would be the Marauder to remain a female in the competition get to be mentioned in this chapter. Also in this chapter, readers may notice a few references to my one-shot_ _The Creevey Brothers and the Violation of Copyright_.

**Chapter Twenty-One** Quizzes

Remus hurried to the Gryffindor's next lesson, History of Magic.

"You have a quiz today," droned Binns, waving his transparent wand to cause pieces of parchment to materialise on everyone's desks.

"If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?" questioned James with a smirk playing about the corners of the mouth on his handsome face.

There was scattered laughter throughout the classroom from students that understood the joke.

Binns did not comprehend it since he had no sense of humour, thus he could not admonish James. The ghost simply instructed, "Complete your quiz silently until the bell rings."

Remus dipped his quill in ink and gave what he was certain was the accurate answer to each question. The examination looked like this when he was finished:

**History of Magic quiz  
Chapter 11**

1 - During the goblin wars who killed HanSolosGal and what weapon did they use? _Hell elf hit her in the eye with a marshmallow._

2 - What was Uric the Oddball's favourite book? _Xybolic._

3 - On what day were the Untrained Noodles defeated? _Vouldymouldy's birthday_

4 - Who was behind the Conspiracy of Blue Nail Polish in 1392? What stereotype resulted? _Evelyn and Erica; never trust a person whose name begins with 'E.'_

5 - The army from the Island of Sporks saved Africa from the Domination of Potato Peelers. Who was their general? _Jane._

6 - What creature started the League of Paperclips? How many are currently involved? _22Aeris_

7 - In 1907 who solved the Umbrella Serial Killings? _Detective Chief Inspector gsc._

Remus was pleased to realise that he could study and learn regardless of his gender. Also, he still had friends. He decided that being in a girl's body was not as awkward as he had imagined.

Two days later he changed his mind, for Sapphire awoke humming.

The werewolf did not find anything about that strange until Alice asked, "Saphy, do you really think Remus is that good in bed?"

Remus nearly choked. _Sapphire dreams about that? If she does at least she has a better chance of hiding it since girls don't get erections and wet dreams. On the other hand, they get periods...I guess it evens out._

Sapphire's eyes widened. "You did _not_ just ask me that!"

"Yeah, I did, so answer," she said easily.

"Well, if his kissing ability is any indication of his other skills I would have to say that I do." Sapphire blushed profusely, making her dark sapphire blue eyes stand out more than usual.

Remus' heart leapt mirthfully, yet his stomach churned with anxiety. Suppose he did not meet her expectations? He'd try not to worry about that until they were married.

Lily grinned. "James is a good kisser too. When we snog I love to run my fingers through his hair. I hate how messy it is, but it feels like silk!"

"Like silk," mused Sapphire. She spoke metaphorically, "Remmy's lips are chocolate."

Alice queried, "Why do you say that? Because he always eats chocolate?"

"No." Sapphire giggled. "Because his lips are velvety and addicting."

Joanna Summers' face grew so hot Remus feared the heat would cause him to lose consciousness.

Lily teased, "Joanna's blushing! Do you love or lust for someone too?"

"Yes," he answered before he could stop himself.

He was afraid they would ask 'who,' however, Sapphire instead questioned, "Which one? Love or lust?"

"Both."

"Do you know the difference between them?" inquired Lily.

Remus thought of Sapphire for his example of both accounts and stated, "Lust is physical attraction and love is wanting someone to be safe and happy no matter what you have to sacrifice."

Sapphire smiled. "You sound like Remmy. I bet you'd think he was great if you met him."

"Would I?" He was genuinely curious. Did he like himself? He wasn't sure.

Before Sapphire had the opportunity to reply Alice said, "I can tell you the _real_ difference between love and lust from experience. Lust you spit; love you swallow."

Shuddering, Sapphire exclaimed, "That's horrible! I'm going to shower so I don't have to listen to this."

Alice chuckled as Sapphire disappeared.

Lily commented, "She's right, Alice. You shouldn't do that till you're married, but since you already did...I want details."

Alice laughed and readily complied.

Remus tried futilely to ignore their words as he pushed Jaonna's soft hair back with a headband. Most men were rude and crude when they discussed sex, though women were graphic.

He was relieved when Sapphire returned to provide him with less uncomfortable conversation.

"How are you? I hope you're not homesick," remarked his girlfriend, concerned.

"I still don't feel quite right, but I've been in worse situations. This is definitely the weirdest situation, but not the worst." A thought struck him. "What happened when you went to the infirmary to visit Remus?"

"Madame Pomfrey gave me an odd look and said he wasn't there, so I went to see Dumbledore. He told me Remmy went away for a few days and not to worry, but I am worried, Joanna, so very worried. What if he's somewhere dangerous or something terrible happened to him? I had a terrible nightmare about such things the night before last." She covered her lovely face with her delicate hands.

"I'm sure he's fine," he reassured quickly. "Do you want to talk about your nightmare?"

She nodded, still obscuring her face from view. "Remmy's friends ate his chocolate, so he lost his sanity. He died his hair neon green, dumped me to wed a cheese factory, and wound up throwing bread crumbs at their innocent, cheesy children on a regular basis." Her shoulders shook as sobs began to wrack her body.

Instinctively, Remus encircled his\her arms around Sapphire. "Don't cry, love. Everything is going to be okay. If Remus died his hair it would be neon purple, not neon green. He loves you too much to even consider living without you, and he loves children; he'd never throw bread crumbs at them."

She looked into his eyes. "I know that, but it was still a dreadful dream, and - Hang on, how do _you_ know all of that?"

Remus realised what his instincts had caused him to do and say. He carefully unwrapped his arms from her. "A hunch." He hoped she wouldn't notice he'd referred to her as 'love.' Perhaps she had noticed and did not feel perturbed by it. After all, girls were a great deal more affectionate with each other than boys.

"All right. Thanks. Come on, girls. Let's not be late for breakfast."


	22. Which is Worse?

**Chapter Twenty-Two** Which is Worse?

After classes Alice was ecstatic that they had several different types of soups and chowders to choose from at dinner.

"Do illiterate people get the full meaning of alphabet soup?" she asked.

Remus did not hear the discussion that ensued. He was too busy thinking about how crude males were when it came to sex conversations and how graphic females were. Which was worse? He needed some time alone to ponder.

"I'm going to the library."

"Okay, but curfew's nine o'clock," Lily reminded.

"I know." Remus glided out of the Great Hall on Joanna's long, graceful legs.

"I'm not surprised your surname is Summers," came a trying-to-be-suave voice.

Remus scanned the shadows. "Pardon?"

"Your surname must be Summers because you're hot as hell." Regulus Black gaited out of a dark corner. Sirius' younger brother was not as well muscled as Sirius, but he was almost as good-looking and easily equaled his height, making him taller than RemusJoanna.

As Regulus advanced Remus backed up until hisher back collided with a stone wall. Regulus came closer and closer until he placed one hand on Remus' left shoulder and the other tightly around the werewolf's wrists.

He whispered, "Congratulation, Joanna. You've been moved to the top of my 'to do' list."

What did a lady do in a situation like this? Remus had an exceedingly powerful urge to hinder Regulus' ability to have children, yet he was unaware if that was how most girls would handle it, and he did not want to risk blowing his cover. Fortunately, he did not need to decide.

"Regulus!"

Remus gazed passed his predator's head of shiny ebony hair and observed a blonde and a brunette in Slytherin garb with pretty, arrogant faces: Narcissa and Bellatrix Blaxk.

"Yes?" acknowledged Regulus without taking his lustful eyes off of Joanna.

"What are you doing? She's a _Gryffindor!_" Bellatrix uttered it as if it was the most disgusting word she'd ever used.

Regulus shrugged. "She just got here, so Dumbledore probably put her in the Gryffindor girls' dorm 'cause it has the fewest occupants."

Narcissa considered it. "Sounds logical. That's a good enough reason to change your mind about a Gryffindor, at least for the purpose you clearly have in mind."

Growing tired of the conversation, Regulus pressed his knees against Joanna's thighs to prevent her from kicking him. Remus could feel Regulus' hot, hungry breath against his face.

Sapphire's clear soprano voice rang throughout the corridor. "If he changed his mind what did he do with the diaper?"

"Get lost, McGonagall," spat Regulus.

"Not until you get your hands off of her."

He spitefully tightened his hands on Remus' shoulder and wrists.

Bellatrix remarked, "She's enjoying it. After all, she's being touched by a Black."

"Ever since I saw your family tree I wanted to cut it down," Sapphire retorted.

Narcissa was weary of Sapphire's intrusion. "Just go shag someone. That's the only thing a girl with a body that has freakishly big curves like yours is good for."

_How dare she talk to Sapphire that way?_ thought Remus furiously.

Sapphire did not seem offended. "Don't be jealous that I'm a virgin with a full figure and you, as I know you've been told, are flat as a board and easy to nail."

Joanna contemplated, _why do girls spend so long insulting each other? It's cruel and unnecessary, isn't it? Maybe they want to avoid physical confrontation or perhaps boys are just violent. Which is worse? Which is better? Neither. They're just different._

Narcissa flushed and stomped down the hallway huffily.

Bellatrix leered at Sapphire. "It doesn't matter how attractive you are; you could never get a man to want you."

Remus' beloved met the gaze of Sirius' cousin challengingly before ambling over behind Regulus and, much to Remus' surprise, slipping her arms around his waist.

Regulus smirked and smoothly invited, "Would you fancy playing with me and Joanna? I know Lupin couldn't possibly satisfy a woman like you."

For an answer Sapphire nuzzled the nape of his neck. Regulus closed his eyes blissfully to the sensation of her warmth and her breasts pressed against his back. Sapphire slid her fingers up and down his chest until she deftly snaked them into pocket of his cloak, retrieved his wand, and hexed him with it. He fell to the floor without consciousness, thus Remus was freed from being pinned to the wall. Promptly, the werewolf took out his own wand and rendered Bellatrix unconscious.

"Thank you," gasped Remus appreciatively.

"No thanks needed; Black was hurting one of my friends and he insulted Remmy. I was happy to do it, especially since it's partly my fault this happened."

"How?"

"I shouldn't have let you leave alone. At this point in life most girls have figured out what a bad idea it is to be by themselves."

"Why?"

"Why? I thought that was obvious. Things like this happen when you're alone."

"That's not fair!"

"It's not fair, but it's life. I should know."

Remus froze. "What do you mean?"

"A guy caught me walking around alone this summer and tried to hurt me."

"Who was it?" he demanded. Remus was a gentle individual by nature, however, if someone attempted to harm his precious gem...

"I don't know, which is unusual since most people are raped by an acquaintance. Anyway, I put him in so much pain I bet he wished someone would castrate him."

"Why didn't you tell Remus about this?"

"I'm fine, so I didn't see any point in worrying him. How did you know I haven't told him?"

"Another hunch." Remus mentally berated himself for being so obvious a second time.

Sapphire was uncertain if she believed Joanna, but what she said was, "Wow, you have great woman's intuition! Well, let's go the library and this weekend we can go to Hogmeade with the other girls."

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

When Regulus and Bellatrix failed to return to the Slytherin common room in the dungeons Narcissa went to search for them with Rudolphus, Severus, Lucius, and Lucetta.

"Bella!" Rudolphus exclaimed when he found his girlfriend and quickly revived her.

"When I get my hands on Summers-" Bellatrix's rage was cut short by Regulus.

He said, "The only person that's going to touch Joanna is me."

"I really don't think she's your type," said Snape coolly.

"What makes you say that?" wondered Lucius.

Severus looked around at the group. They would all be impressed if they knew he had turned one of the famous Marauders into a female, however, he did not do things to please other people, nor did he believe it was any of their business. Perhaps Lucetta could know..."Just trust me."

"Why would anyone trust you?" snarled Bellatrix. She and Snape never got on well together. "You're so bloody secretive."

"True," he admitted indifferently.

Lucetta met Severus' black eyes. He knew she trusted him. The knowledge made his heart (Contrary to popular belief, he did actually have one; it was simply 'two sizes too small.' Sound familiar?) danced in his chest, but his face betrayed nothing.

"There's plenty of other fish in the sea," Lucetta told Regulus.

"Yeah, but she's the fish I wanna catch and mount back at my place," he replied.

Snape chose not to argue further. If the brother of his nemesis wanted to chat up a half-breed man in a woman's body he wasn't going to stop him.

**_Minerva's Note:_ I miss writing significant parts with James and Sirius, and I'm sure you miss reading them since without them the fic is less amusing, so I thought I should inform that they shall be bnck in full force during chapter twenty-six. Kindly take the time to review!**


	23. Books, Windows, & Tap Dancing 4 Flavour

**Minerva's Note:** I exceedingly regret not updating, but I was very ill. Once I began to feel better I managed to update my other fics, though I had to make up the schoolwork that I missed, and consequently was unable to update this one. Please forgive me for not updating; I swear to you I would rather have been writing amusing fan fic chapters than school assignments! Well, I hope you enjoy the chapter :.)

**Chapter Twenty-Three** Books, Shattered Windows, and Some Tap Dancing for Flavour

Remus found that he was glad when the Hogsmeade trip arrived. He knew that girls loved to shop; yet he had never shopped with girls aside from taking Sapphire to the bookshop, and that had not been enjoyable.

Flashback

"Excuse me?" Sapphire asked the aged bloke behind the checkout counter.

Sirius had invariably desired to "check out hot chicks" at the checkout counter, however, if he had been there to witness what happened next Remus was convinced that he would have changed his mind.

The bloke's protruding eyes that had been focused on a magazine glanced up and focused on Sapphire's large breasts before they looked at her face. "Yes, midear?"

Sapphire either did not notice his rudeness or was so accustomed to such behaviour that she did not care, for she simply said, "Would you be so kind as to tell us where the fantasy books are kept?"

"The last bookcase on the right. Now, will you do something for me?"

Remus slipped his arm protectively around Sapphire's waist when she cheerfully replied, "It depends."

"I need to recover something I lost."

_Your manners?_ wondered Remus grimly.

Curiously, she queried, "What's that?"

The man gave a bland smile. "I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?"

Remus' arm tightened unconsciously around Sapphire's hips as he forced himself to remain as calm as he usually was. He had seen the quick tempers of James and Sirius cause too many problems not to b aware of its dangers.

Sensing that Remus was attempting to retain serenity she bit back her typical witty retort and simply stated, "No. Even I wasn't already in a wonderful relationship I would never even consider dating someone as impolite, lascivious, and old as you."

"I'm not old," he claimed as he ran a wrinkled fingertip over his nearly hairless cranium. He sang,

"I'm too sexy for my hair.  
That's why it isn't there!"

The shop's windows shattered and the broken pieces of glass scurried away shrieking.

A furious voice shouted from an unknown position, "Gerard, are you singing again?"

The man squeaked, "Sorry!"

A door that blended in flawlessly with the paneled walls opened and a very short chap with a loud, booming voice came out snarling, "I told you no more singing, flirting with young customers, or doing frog imitations! Go in the back and stick price tags on books so you can't do anymore damage. I swear, if you weren't such a great tap dancer I'd fire you."

With a meek nod the elderly man disappeared through the undetectable door carrying a thick dictionary, which he began to flip through muttering, "Lascivious...lascivious...?"

The newly arrived bloke pushed over a small stepladder to use to see over the counter. "Hello there! I'm sorry if Gerard bothered you, but you'd think better of him if you saw him tap dance. He's more amazing than the music a tomato makes, and _that_ is saying something!"

_It says that you're completely crazy,_ thought Sapphire sympathetically.

Remus answered the storeowner, "It could have been worse. Would it be all right if we just looked at books now?"

"Be my guest," was the amiable response.

The werewolf, with his arm still around Sapphire, gaited towards the bookcase that Gerard had indicated earlier. A stout redhead stood near it holding an open book and whispering to someone that was seemingly invisible.

"Are you all right?' Remus asked her pleasantly.

She turned to him and growled inches from his face, "DON'T TALK TO ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO MYSELF!"

Remus was spared the effort of thinking of a response since the girl dropped her book and dashed off.

Sapphire picked up the tome and murmured the title aloud thoughtfully, "Pirates: Marauders of the Sea."

"What?" gasped Remus, peering at the book over her shoulder. "My mates won't be glad that someone used our official name."

"You didn't invent the word marauders," Sapphire pointed out.

"No, but we worked so hard to make it stick. James actually hexed a kid once for accidentally calling us 'Martyrs."

Sapphire winced at the thought of a hex.

Remus continued, "It wasn't as bad as the curse Sirius used on a girl that referred to us as 'Murderers.' Since then everyone has gotten our title right."

"Why did you choose that as your group name?"

"In second year we played a prank, but no one could prove it was us. Filch came up to us and said, 'I know it was you. You're a bunch of toenail-clipping, parchment-eating, shoe-smelling, rectangle-dancing, stapler-throwing, tissue-worshipping, egg-snogging marauders! I'd love to chain you up in the dungeons by your toes, though Dumbledore won't let me.' Then he walked away with Mrs. Norris."

She questioned, "If his cat is Mrs. Norris who is Mr. Norris? Maybe it'll be Crookshanks."

"What's a crookshank? It sounds like a Muggle cleaning solution or a pirates' physician."

Long blonde hair swished as Sapphire shook her head in bemusement. "I have no idea. I think I had an out-of-era experience. Never mind; please finish the story."

"After Filch left Peter asked, 'Isn't it square-dancing, not rectangle dancing?'

Sirius said, shocked, 'That's the only thing he ranted about that you thought was weird?'

Before he could say anything James cried, 'Who cares about that? Did you hear what he called us?'

'Yeah. Tissue-worshippers.' Sirius sounded disturbed, and not much disturbs him. I ought to know.

Impatiently, James told us, 'No, he called us _marauders._ Doesn't that have a nice sound to it?' We all agreed that it did, so James decided, 'Great! It'll be our special name. We need a slogan. Any ideas?'

Peter suggested, 'Lupin, Pettigrew, Potter, and Black!  
With the Marauders you'll have fun and need to watch your back!'

'Cute,' James said. 'We need something that sounds sophisticated and a little dangerous, not cute.'

I gave Peter a comforting pat on the shoulder before I said, 'Purveyours of Aids to Magical Mischief Makers.' They all liked that, so we kept it, and that night we started writing the Maraudering Code of Conduct."

"That's interesting," commented Sapphire truthfully. She ran one of her slender fingers along the spines of the books neatly arranged upon the shelves. A volume entitled Best Fantasies of 1976 captured her attention. She pulled it out and opened to an illustrated page. The picture caused her to scream and instinctively toss the book away from her.

Remus' hand clasped clumsily around it ere it clattered to the floor. A single glance at the moving photograph that had frightened Sapphire made the lycanthrope instantaneously snap the book shut in revulsion. "I guess that's what Gerard thought we meant by the **fantasy** section." He shuddered, trying to cast away the residual image that the porn picture had left in his brain. Once he succeeded he added, "That was absolutely disgusting. Although, some people think I'm disgusting since I eat pickles and chocolate. People in glass homes shouldn't throw stones."

The redhead looked in through a shattered window and advised, "People in fat houses shouldn't throw breadsticks."

They saw the insane girl dart away, glanced warily at the porn-filled bookcases, stared at the tiny bookshop owner watching the old man tap dance with avid admiration, and exited the store with rapid, syncranised footsteps.

End of Flashback

As RemusJoanna entered a clothing shop with Alice, Lily, and Sapphire he could not help hoping that this experience would be more pleasant.


	24. Perfection

**Chapter Twenty-Four** Perfection

They were selecting gowns to wear at the graduation party James was having at his manour that summer for the entire seventh year minus the Slytherins. Did women invariably select their outfits so far in advance? If they did men truly did deserve to be flogged if they failed to compliment them on their attire.

"Joanna, could you come here, please?" requested Sapphire.

The werewolf placed a scary tube of lipstick he'd been examining apprehensively back on a glass shelf of cosmetics and entered Sapphire's dressing room, expecting her to want Joanna's opinion about how an ensemble looked. Instead, she stood there in a black bra and matching knickers. His eyes widened. He had managed to avoid witnessing any of the girls in inappropriate dress the entire week and he knew that now he should politely avert his eyes, yet he was literally incapable of doing it. His eyelids, and all other parts of his body, were frozen into stillness and refused to obey his brain's commands. Sapphire was beyond beautiful; she was _perfect_.

She stepped into a frock, pulled it up, and slipped her arms through the sleeves, seemingly oblivious to the discomfort she'd caused. "I need you to zip this, please." Sapphire turned so her back faced him and tugged her golden hair in front of her body to bestow Joanna with an unambiguous view of the zipper.

Remus gazed at the creamy skin of her back and longed to trail kisses along her spine, though he was aware that in his current form it would be inexcusable to do so. With the slow movements his brain finally allowed him he managed to hold the zipper between his delicate, feminine fingers and guide it upward.

"Thank you," said Sapphire once he was finished, and let her long hair fall back into place. She inspected her reflection thoughtfully. "I like it. I hope Remmy does too."

The gown was tight above the waist with a square neckline and bell sleeves, and a long, loose skirt that flaired out when she spun around. It was the same blue hue as her eyes.

"Remus won't be able to take his eyes off of you. Believe me," he said hoarsely.

Sapphire smiled. "You think so?"

He cleared his throat. "I know it." Joanna's voice still sounded strained.

"Your mouth must be dry. We haven't had anything to eat or drink since breakfast. We'll all get butterbeers in a few minutes, but why don't you go to the water fountain to tide yourself over until then?" suggested Sapphire placidly.

RemusJoanna nodded and left feeling a combination of relief and disappointment.

He went and had a lengthy drink from the fountain beside the store's entrance. He realised that Sapphire would most likely be embarrassed if she knew that he had been the one to view her so scarcely dressed; therefore he should attempt to forget about it, however, despite his best efforts, he could not banish the image from his mind. Replaying the picture so many times within his head enabled him to discern two things.  
One: Sapphire had absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about!  
Two: He was becoming extremely aroused.

Discovering how a woman's body felt when it was impassioned captured Remus' interest despite himself. Things low in his body, including his thighs, grew tight with need. His breasts and neck pulsed with the desire to be caressed. He flexed his fingers in a futile attempt to eradicate an insistent tingle that begged him to touch something.

Dumbledore had instructed him to inform his friends of whatever discoveries he would make as a lass, yet Remus was of the opinion that his mates, or at least James and Sirius, knew enough about randy women, so they wouldn't need to hear about this. Why must he have this experience anyway? It was too strange. In the 60's people took acid to intentionally make the world appear extremely odd. Now that the world was extremely odd they were taking Prozac to make it normal. At that point in his life Remus would have settled for either one as opposed to what he was currently feeling. No one should be so close to the individual that they love and be unable to even hold their hand.

_I must have done something awful to deserve this,_ sighed Remus' overwhelmed mind.

_**Minerva's Note:**_ I know, not my best chapter, but I really enjoyed writing it! lol Poor Moony!


	25. A Bitch

**Chapter Twenty-Five** A Bitch

"Joanna!"

Holding back a weary groan, Remus followed the voice to its source. "Yes, Lily?"

"Which looks better?" She held up a crimson and an emerald skirt.

Remus gladly accepted the question as a way to distract his excited thoughts. He glanced around the shop and swiftly retrieved a short ivory gown. "This would be lovely."

Lily eyed it doubtfully. "It's a bit revealing, isn't it?"

"A bit," Remus conceded, "but not to the point of being distasteful. Besides, James thinks you look elegant in white."

"Did he say that?" queried Lily in surprise.

Joanna admitted, "Not exactly. I don't think 'elegant' is in his vocabulary, but I know he thinks it."

Raising an eyebrow, she questioned, "How?"

When it came to deceiving on the spot Remus, unlike Sirius and James, was poorly skilled at it. Fortunately, he did not need to lie to explain himself. "I can tell by the way he looks at you, and I'm good at thinking like a guy."

"Really?" asked Alice, sticking her head out of a dressing room as Lily gaited away to try on the ivory-coloured frock. "What goes on in most men's skulls?"

"Not much," replied Remus truthfully without hesitation.

Laughing, Alice withdrew her head.

Remus decided it would be suspicious if Joanna neglected to buy herself anything, thus he browsed through the various ladies' outfits. A female might feel comfortable purchasing something that she would only wear once, but Remus was a male, a slightly poor male, and the very idea seemed pointless to him.

"Do you know what would look good on you?" a husky voice in his ear inquired. "Me."

Joanna spun around to find Regulus Black standing much too close to her. "What is it now?" she\he demanded.

Ignoring her question, Regulus added, "Of course, what you're wearing now looks nice on you too. I think that it would look particularly nice in a crumpled heap next to my bed."

Remus shoved him in the chest, though it made little difference. "Piss off." He\She strode away angrily.

Regulus came up behind Joanna and slipped his arms around her waist. The inconvenient, yet pleasurable tension that Sapphire had filled Remus' body with was immediately replaced with a vexed, skin-scrawling tension at Regulus' touch. "I'm in your future, my dear."

Recalling how insulting girls were, Remus muttered, "If you believe that then go to psychic because you obviously can't see the future, but go to a palm-reader, not a mind-reader; I know you've got a palm."

The girls chuckled, ambling up to Regulus and Joanna.

The Slytherin glared at them. "She knows she really wants me. How could she not? Look at me!"

Lily stared at Regulus' attractive physique. "Oh, Merlin!"

"See? I'm sexy beyond reason," Regulus said with a grin, proving that though they had different moral values he and Sirius were definitely related.

Lily continued, "Oh, Merlin! Just look at you! Was anyone else hurt in the accident?"

Remus squirmed out of Regulus' grasp whilst the girls giggled.

Regulus shouted, "Shut it, you Gryffindor wenches!"

"Don't get mad, Regulus." Joanna batted her eyelashes. "I do have real feelings for you."

"I knew you did." Regulus grinned.

"I've had many cases of love that were only infatuation, but the hatred I feel towards you is the real thing."

Eyes narrowing, Regulus spat, "Summers, you're a bitch!"

_Well, I am a female wolf,_ observed Remus with mild amusement. "Yeah, I am. What's your point?"

"You're not worth my time. Any of you."

As he exited the store Alice screeched at his retreating back, "Time would stop in its tracks for us!"

Remus' gaze wandered over to Sapphire. "Yes it would," he concurred. Next, he turned to Lily with admiration and complimented, "What you said to Regulus was hilarious!"

"Thanks. I said that to Petunia once. I can't stand her!"

Sapphire queried, "Then why do your parents force you to share a room with her during the holidays?"

"I don't know...to try to make us like each other, I guess. After Petunia tried burning my 'freaky' clothes I told Mum, 'I hate my sister's guts,' at dinnertime."

"What did she say?" gasped Alice, fascinated.

"Mum looked at the food on the table and said, 'Be quiet and eat around them.'"

They all roared with laughter.

Lily had to wipe away a tear of hilarity before she could add, "Petunia and her boyfriend that was there, Vernon, didn't think it was very funny."

"If Vernon is dating Petunia I think that is enough of a joke for him to have to deal with," Alice supplied with a grin. "Well, let's go to The Three Broomsticks. I could use a drink, and I need to pee _really_ badly."

The redhead countered, "You have to p? I have to q, r, s, and t, so I get to go first!"

Alice laughed. "All right."

"You two go ahead. I need to talk to Joanna for a moment," Sapphire said.

Once they departed Remus asked his girlfriend, "Is something wrong?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, but ever since you got here I thought that there was something strange about you, and I think I've figured out what it is."

Remus gulped. He had tried to be as unobvious as possible, but what had he expected? Sapphire knew him too well. "Go on."


	26. Almost

**Chapter Twenty-Six** Almost

Sapphire questioned, "If I'm wrong do you promise not to think my theory is stupid?"

"No. Suppose it really _is_ stupid?" chuckled Joanna good-naturedly, knowing that naught Sapphire would say could be considered ignorant. His stomach began to ache. He decided it was probably from stress about Sapphire's guess. Later, he would discover that it was a warning about something else that was coming.

Sapphire smiled at Joanna's response and declared, "You're Remus' lesbian cousin! I know because you look a lot like Remmy, you know so much about him and his friends, and there's something...masculine about you. Besides, Remmy once mentioned having a lesbian cousin, though I always thought she'd be older."

She _was_ older. Remus' cousin, Celine, was twenty-three, yet he wasn't about to tell Sapphire that. "All right, I admit it, but please don't tell anyone. You see, Dumbledore sent Remus somewhere and Remus was worried you'd be lonely, so he asked me to come here. Dumbledore swore him to secrecy; I don't know where he is." The headmaster had indeed strongly recommended secrecy; therefore he was glad Sapphire had not discerned the truth of the situation, though her speculation of the truth had been plausible and well thought out.

"I won't tell." Sapphire added, "I'm sorry."

"What for? You haven't been anything except nice to me."

"Since you're a lesbian you must have uncomfortable when I...Well, I'm sorry."

"Oh." Remus blushed deeply. "That's okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Good."

"You should've come to Hogsmeade with us," Sapphire remarked to her sister when the girls had returned to Gryffindor tower.

"I don't think I missed much." Jessie smirked and flipped her dark hair. "Sirius and I had plenty of fun here."

"Ooooh!" Alice leaned forward, eager to hear more.

"How can you talk about that, especially in public?" Sapphire queried, mildly irritated. "You're off your rockers."

"Are you saying we're acting slutty?" demanded Alice.

Remus knew that Sapphire hadn't meant it that way, and he agreed with what his beloved had said. Regardless, it seemed like a wise idea to lighten the mood. "You might be off your rockers, but I broke my rocker, so I took it and sold it to a Russian bloke; then I burned a hole in the floor where it used to be."

Lily laughed. "Seriously?"

"Yep."

"In Russian yep means sex," informed Sapphire placidly.

Alice chortled, "Now whenever someone says 'yep' in my mind they'll have said 'sex."

At that moment the Marauders minus Remus entered the common room while Peter was asking James, "Do you know something fun we could do 'cause I'm bored?"

"Yep." _Sex,_ thought Alice.

Sirius commented, "That's great! I have so much energy that I _need_ to do something, so whatever you have in mind for the three of us to do together and however long it takes is fine with me."

The girls broke into hysterical laughter, drawing the boys' attention.

"What is it?" inquired James.

Jessie shook her head. "Don't worry about it."

Sirius accused, "I'll bet you you've been a naughty girl; go to my room!"

Being near his friends caused Remus to act like himself. "Sirius, how can you say that? You've gone mad. Go to the infirmary and get some drugs."

"I tried, but Madame Pomfrey wouldn't give me any, nor would she let me leave until I put a hospital gown on and played doctor with her," replied the dog animagus, wringing his hands in uncharacteristic distress.

"Is that why you were so quiet yesterday?" James wondered.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

Remus put his hand on Sirius' shoulder. "Sorry, Pa-" Abruptly, he realised how he was behaving, thus he ran from the room before he blew his cover. He went to the first place that popped into his head: the girls' lavatory. While he was there he chose to take care of Joanna's business. More than urine came out. There was something thicker. And redder.

"Dammit!" Remus swore softly, which was a rare phenomenon. "I almost made it the entire week without this happening." It took him about ten minutes to determine how to put the pad in Joanna's knickers. _It's not as easy as it seems,_ he consoled himself.

To take his mind off of his new problem and the agony in his nether regions that came with it in addition to his stomach pains he summoned a quill, ink, and parchment and began compiling his list of things he learned while being a lass.

It took hours for Lily to find him. "Hey, Joanna, James and I just came back from our Head Boy and Head Girl meeting with Dumbledore; he asked me to find you and send you to the headmaster's office. Any idea why he wants to see you?"

Joanna did not answer. She simply bolted rapidly out of the door.

**Minerva's Note: **I hope that didn't disgust any of you. I tried not to be too graphic. You know that it had to happen to our darling werewolf at some point during his time as a female. You probably also know why Moony is being summoned! Anyway, I'm going on holiday so, it hurts to say it, no update until Tuesday the 25th. So sorry; my beloved readers! Please review!


	27. Dumbledore, A Past Marauder

**Minerva's Note: **I updated a day early, are you not pleased? I had a 104 degree fever on my holiday, so you ought to be. Do not expect next week's update early, though.

**Chapter Twenty-Seven** Dumbledore: A Past Marauder

Remus ran as swiftly as he was able to the headmaster's office, ascended the revolving spiral staircase, and arduously pounded on the oak door.

He heard a poorly suppressed chuckle followed by, "Remus Lupin, I doubt anyone has ever seen you so eager. Do come in."

As he stepped into the circular office he calmly replied, "You didn't see me when I led Sapphire to my bed over the Christmas holiday."

Dumbledore's eyebrows rose. "Oh?"

Realising what it must have sounded like to Dumbledore, he quickly amended, "We recited poetry."

"Of course you did." His eyes held their characteristic twinkle.

"It's true!" Remus truthfully insisted.

He laughed. "I really do believe you know how to treat a lady, especially one as fair as dear Minerva's niece, with respect. Speaking of ladies, would you like not to be one any longer?"

"Yes, please, sir."

Smiling, Dumbledore handed him a brass goblet that had been sitting atop his cluttered desk.

Remus gratefully swallowed the antidote it contained in one gulp. It was the absolute worst liquid he'd ever had the misfortune to taste. It was like lemon juice mixed liberally with a large quantity of raw eggs. Remus felt his breasts shrink until they disappeared altogether and his hips grew smaller. Something inside Remus' trousers elongated. The hair that had swished all the way down his back shortened to brush against his shoulders. "Thank you," he said, and was relieved to hear that his light male voice had returned. "I thought I had to be sleeping for the potion to work."

"That was without the plant," informed Dumbledore simply, waving his wand so Remus was wearing the masculine school uniform as opposed to the feminine. "Now, did you learn anything?"

"Many things. I made a list."

"Excellent. Be certain to show it to your friends. You'd best return to them now. They must miss you. It isn't much fun to cause trouble without there being someone to tell you that you shouldn't."

"Good night, sir." The werewolf smiled at his words and headed towards the door.

"Have wet dreams."

Slowly, Remus turned around and murmured in shock, "What did you say, Professor?"

"Have sweet dreams."

"That wasn't what it sounded like..."

"Then, you must have misheard," simpered the headmaster.

"Um, right. Sleep well."

"Have wet dreams."

Remus fearfully shut the door and ran out into the corridor, crashing into a well-muscled chest and falling unceremoniously onto the stone floor.

"Moony!" Sirius mirthfully hoisted Remus up. "It feels great to have your cock back, doesn't it?"

"I guess. All I know for sure is that Dumbledore had to have been a Marauder in his past."

"Well, everyone knows that," remarked James, shrugging.

Peter nodded in agreement.

"Anyway, what are you lot doing here?" Remus queried curiously.

"Coming to get you," answered Sirius blithely. "We heard from James that Dumbledore wanted to see 'Joanna,' so we figured it must have been to give you the potion."

"He did, and after that he told me to share what I learned with you." The lycanthrope retrieved a folded piece of parchment from his pocket and handed it to Sirius.

Sirius unfolded the parchment, unnecessarily cleared his throat for dramatic effect, and read aloud, "'_**On Monday I learned** Dumbledore knew my bra size.  
**On Tuesday I learned** Bras are extremely uncomfortable.  
**On Wednesday I learned** I'm a bitch.  
**On Thursday I learned** when it comes to sex boys are crude and girls are graphic.  
**On Friday I learned** I'm a bitch.  
**On Saturday I learned** Men think they are superior to women. They're not.  
**On Sunday I learned** 'Yep' means 'sex.' No wonder guys don't want to hear 'no.'_

_In seriousness, through careful observation I did learn that girls bond over gossip and makeovers and boys bond over bawdy jokes and alcohol. I guess since my condition made making friends hard for me I am one of the few that know friendships should be formed over time and trust. _

_Love is created over time too, yet often within a few weeks of dating a woman will irrationally dream of a wedding. Men know this, so they say that they love them to get the women to sleep with them. In general, girls are lovesick fools and boys are perverted gits. Please, pardon my French. _

_Females hold grudges and verbally abuse one another while males violently beat the crap out of each other and forget about it. _

_If a woman cries other women comfort her. If a man cries other men laugh at him, but women adore him. If a girl has sex she is unfairly labeled as a whore. If a bloke has sex he is unfairly labeled as 'cool.' _

_All in all, I think both genders are wonderful and both genders suck (Pardon my French again.), so just deal with whichever one you are and respect the other one because the grass isn't greener on the other side. Trust me, I know. Keep in mind I may have been harsh when writing this since I'm bleeding out of my crotch...I NEVER imagined I'd say those words!'_"

"Wow, Moony, that's pretty deep stuff," gasped Peter.

Remus shook his head modestly.

"It is," James concurred, "but just forget about it for now. All that matters is that everything is back to normal."

('Normal?' thought the readers. 'Not with this loony author!')

Suddenly, two attractive blokes that were the Marauders' age materialised out of thin air. One of them had a head of thick, brown hair and wide, pale eyes that scarcely blinked and gleamed oddly when the light hit them. The other had long, wavy, auburn hair, a red goatee, and twinkling blue eyes. Both wore mischievous smiles and had long, thin fingers.

"Did it work?" asked the brunette, glancing around animatedly.

"I don't know," the redhead responded thoughtfully.

"What do you mean you don't know? Honestly, for a genius you're a real dolt."

"I warned you that the Unspeakables hadn't perfected time-turners yet, and to _borrow_ one and experiment with it would either be dangerous or a waste of time," he serenely replied.

"Why don't I remember that?"

With a grin the blue-eyed boy volunteered, "You'd had two glasses of firewhiskey when I mentioned it."

"That explains it."

"Excuse me," interjected Remus politely before questioning the redhead, "Are you who I think you are?"

"That depends on who you think I am," was the amiable reply. "My name is Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore."

**Minerva's Note:** Ha! I bet 1000 galleons that you did not see THAT coming! Please review, I really want to know what you all think of this development.


	28. Crossing the Line

**Chapter Twenty-Eight** Crossing the Line

Albus' companion murmured, "I always wondered how he could remember that long name."

"I know than more than half of the school thinks I'm mad, but even crazy people can remember their own name," said Albus in a cheery tone.

"And who are you?" Sirius demanded of the one with misty eyes while James caught the fainting Peter. It wasn't everyday that a student met their headmaster in adolescent form, and it seemed to be too much for him to cope with. Most things were too much for Peter to handle, like door handles.

- Begin Short, Unnecessary Flashback Author Wrote While Sugar-High -

Sirius had queried a month ago in the common room with interest, "What knickers does Lily wear?"

James replied, "The pair that I stole were-"

"Stop! I don't want to hear this," commented Remus in disapproval.

Peter pouted. "Shh. I wanna know."

"I'm surrounded by idiots," Remus groaned.

"Yes, you are. Quit whining about it," retorted Sirius. "Go ahead and talk, Prongs...Prongs?"

"He left," Remus sighed with relief. "He must have gone to see Lily."

"Again? But I'm bored hanging out with just you lot. I love you both, but James is," Sirius shrugged, unable to find the appropriate words, "just James."

"Wormtail, don't cry," Remus futilely attempted to console him, however, he ran up to the dorm. As he tried to open the door the doorknob broke.

"Why do these things always happen to me?" Peter wailed, or _whaled_ since his blubber caused him to seem like an undersea mammal.

The door handle dryly responded, "If you weren't so fat and dumb you wouldn't have this problem."

"I'm not fat; I'm big-boned, and I'm not dumb; I'm...Uh-"

"See? You've proven my point."

"I thought knobs were round, so they didn't have points."

"Wow, you proved it twice in a row! You better go before you make an even bigger dolt of yourself."

"Um, okay."

- End Short, Unnecessary Flashback Author Wrote While Sugar-High -

"My name's Adel Ollivander. That's it. Nothing long or complicated."

James whispered to his two conscious friends, "If the Marauders can deal with anything what should we do with a teenage headmaster and wand maker from the 1800's?"

"Would you like to come to the common room with us?" Remus offered the newcomers.

"You're in Gryffindor too, then?" inquired Adel.

"Yes."

"Well, I don't have any better suggestions. Do you, Albus?" When Albus shook his head the six boys went to the deserted common room with Sirius and James carrying the unconscious Peter. They tossed him none-too-gently onto the settee and took their favourite seats adjacent to the fire. Remus, Adel, and Albus chose the squashy armchairs nearest theirs.

"So, exactly where in time did Adel and I land ourselves?" Albus asked carelessly.

"1977," answered Sirius.

"Over a century into the future? That explains your queer attire."

Sirius objected, "Hey, I've got nothing against non-straight people, but our clothes are not homosexual."

Remus informed Sirius, "In olden days 'queer' meant 'strange,' just like 'gay' was 'happy."

"Oh. That's stupid."

"It is not," Remus disagreed.

"Well, I think your arse is fat."

"That's not the issue and is uncalled for."

"So is the way you walked your pretty self in here and-"

"You think I'm pretty? I know you thought I was as a girl, but if you still do..."

"Shut it. You know that's not what I meant."

James interrupted, "No, Padfoot, _you_ shut it, or the next time we help Moony with his furry little problem I'm gonna convince SOMEONE to bite you."

Not missing a beat, Sirius stated, "Ooh, I'm so excited about the idea that I'm counting down the days."

Remus rubbed his forehead wearily. "I know you're joking, Sirius, but that's over the line."

"He crossed it long ago," proclaimed James, grinning.

Sirius rolled his grey eyes. "I _made_ the line, mates."

Before anyone could say anymore Sapphire came down the girls' staircase in long nightgown of dark blue silk. She picked a book up off of a table, which she had presumably forgotten earlier, and began to amble towards the stairs when she noticed the redhead. She studied him curiously for a long moment and he didn't flinch under her scrutiny.

"Albus Dumbledore?" she breathed in shock.

"The same," he concurred. "We couldn't possibly have met before. I would remember someone as enchanting as you."

Smiling, Sapphire introduced herself and looked at Adel. "I'm sorry. I can't think of your name."

Adel stood up and requested, "Would you touch me so I can tell everyone I've been touched by an angel?"

_Chat-up lines were as corny back then as they are now. That is pathetic, and yet somehow amusing,_ thought Remus.

Sapphire shrugged and held out her hand. Adel kissed it. "I'm Adel Ollivander. Forgive me for being so forward, but what is you attachment status?"

"Happily attached," Sapphire answered, seating herself on Remus' lap.

"Keep her," Adel recommended the lycanthrope. "She has a body built for sin."

Remus and Sapphire both blushed profusely and mumbled incoherently that they never did anything sinful.

Then, Sapphire asked, "Remmy, where have you been?"

"Dumbledore sent me on a learning experience, but I was never far away." He was being literal, yet he knew that she would believe he meant that he'd been in her heart the entire time.

"I don't remember doing that," Albus said, puzzled.

James sighed. "Albus, Adel, we need to explain something to you."


	29. Explanation

**Chapter Twenty-Nine** Explanation

James carefully thought about how to word his explanation, and then abruptly decided to toss caution to the winds. "Adel grew up to own a wand shop and Albus became a Transfiguration professor at Hogwarts before taking up the position of headmaster. You both still are doing those jobs as we speak."

Albus taunted Adel, "Going into the family business like you always vowed you wouldn't."

He retorted, "What about you? I know your _odd_ home life made you enjoy coming to Hogwarts, but who knew that you loved it so much that you'd never leave?"

"Not me," stated Albus jovially. "After all of the trouble I gave my teachers I hope that my students give me hell."

"We do," assured James.

Sirius added, "If I ever decide to give a shit you're the first person I give it to."

"But even though they cause mischief they really do like you," Remus elabourated. "Almost everyone does."

"I must still have a sense of humour, then." The redhead leapt up excitedly. "Let's play a prank on me!"

Adel blinked. "Don't let your mind wander; it's too small to be let out alone."

"We both know that isn't true."

"Oh no? Why would any sane person want to prank himself?"

"Brilliance doesn't mean lack of insanity," Albus logically said. "How many geniuses get to try to outwit themselves?"

"When you put it that way I can't decide if it makes you sound loonier or me sound stupider."

"It definitely makes you sound stupider."

"You have such a big head."

Albus grinned. "I know. It's almost as big as my-"

"Okay, I get it!"

"What? I was going to say 'as big as my heart."

"Sure," concurred Adel disbelievingly.

Interrupting their banter, Sirius suggested, "Why don't I carry my mate to his bed, and next we can prank the Slytherins before we worry about the headmaster?"

They agreed, and waited patiently for Sirius to return from depositing the fainted Peter in their dormitory.

"What about them?" Adel gestured to Remus and Sapphire, who were intertwined in an armchair staring into each other's eyes.

_Ah, love. Tis so sweet sometimes,_ thought Albus.

_Ah, love. It's so sickening sometimes,_ thought Sirius.

James shrugged and responded, "Leave 'em here." He knew it must have been difficult for Remus to never leave Sapphire's side for days, yet be forbidden to touch her. "They probably won't even notice if we leave."

Sirius, James, Adel, and Albus left the common room.

Remus and Sapphire didn't notice.

As they were gaiting down the dark corridors they saw a short girl with curly brown hair in her fifth year of Hufflepuff studying for her O.W.L.'s by the light of the half-moon that was streaming in through a nearby window. She glanced up when she heard their approaching footsteps. Her gaze raked over the four handsome blokes, lingering on Adel, before she blushed and looked back down at her work.

Not intending to miss this opportunity in spite of the chance to play a prank, Adel confidently strode up to her and complimented, "That's a nice outfit." He paused. "Can I talk you out of it?"

The girl chewed her lip thoughtfully ere replying, "Probably. I could seriously use a break from this studying."

He offered her his arm and she stood up to accept it. Adel threw the other boys a triumphant grin over his shoulder while he walked away with her.

James heard her query, "Apart from being sexy, what do you want to do for a living?"

"Apparently, I'm going to be a wand maker, but I prefer making love to making wands."

She giggled, and they disappeared around a corner.

Shaking his head, James muttered, "I can't believe that worked. Trying to use lines to chat up a girl got me slapped. Not that it matters anymore; I have Lily now."

"Well, Adel has a certain...charisma," explained Albus. "I'm not saying that you don't, but I think something about his unusual eyes _entrance_ them in some way." He shrugged. "It doesn't bother me since I like to flirt, but I'm not interested in the activities that Adel partakes him; it would distract me from my studies."

Sirius and James could not resist smiling. Devious, but reliable. Yes, that was their beloved headmaster through and through.

"I know what you mean," remarked Sirius.

"You do?" gasped James in shock. "Does this mean you and Jessie are going to stop doing your 'activities'? Sirius Orion Black can't actually be taking an oath of celibacy, could he? Because that would just be...wrong."

Sirius smirked. "I know what he means, but that doesn't make it left for me."

James sighed with relief.

Albus looked bemused. "Left?"

"It's a long story," explained James and Sirius in unison.

When they were passing the Great Hall on their route to the dungeons where the Slytherins' common room resided they observed with glee that they need go any farther because several of the Slytherins were in the Great Hall having some sort of secret party for themselves.

"Padfoot, this is fantastic!" James squealed, yet if you asked him it would've been a growl or something more masculine than a squeal.

"Mmm-hmm, but now we gotta think of what prank to pull," Sirius answered.

Albus' long fingers reached into his robes and pulled out his wand. "I know the perfect spell."


	30. Musical

**Chapter Thirty** Musical

"Yeah?" asked James eagerly. "What does it do?"

"It creates a musical," Albus explained. "At first they'll all randomly burst into song; then they'll be able to think properly, but when they try to speak their voices will come out singing what they want to say, not talking."

"That's great!" declared Sirius as James smirked mischievously and nodded.

Albus cast the spell before adding, "After a few minutes it'll start to effect us as well."

"What!" James and Sirius cried.

Grinning innocently, Albus queried, "Did I forget to mention that?"

Sirius and James couldn't decide if they were outraged or impressed by their headmaster's slightly deceitful tactics. They didn't have time to choose which of the two emotions they felt either because they were too mesmerised with amusement when every single one of the Slytherins burst into a chorus.

"Night-time sharpens; heightens each sensation.  
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination.  
Turn your face away  
from the garish light of day.  
Turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light,  
And listen to the music of the night."

Lucius and Narcissa started to do the Can-Can, which was too inappropriately joyful of a dance considering the lyrics.

"Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams.  
Close your eyes; let your spirit start to soar,  
And you'll live as you've never lived before.  
Open up your mind,  
Let your fantasies unwind  
in this darkness which you know you cannot fight,  
The darkness of the music of the night."

Despite the fact that all of the members of Salazar's House were chanting Severus and Lucetta looked at each other as if they were the sole individuals in the Great Hall. Or in the universe, for that matter.

"Let your soul take you where you long to be!  
Only then can you belong to me...  
Let the dream begin.  
Let your darker side give in  
to the power of the music that I write,  
the power of the music of the night!"

The Slytherins gasped in shock at their own behaviour.

Rudolphus Lestrange demanded, "What the bloody Hell is going on?" He had, of course, inadvertently sung the words and his voice was surprisingly shrill.

None of the Slytherins knew the answer and anxiously began singing at once. Everyone except Snape, who remained silent with a calculating expression on his face. Within moments he had put the situation together as only Snape's mind could.

"Potter and Black," he sang.

Everybody immediately ceased making noise and stared at him, stupefied. Not because of his reasoning; they knew he was probably correct as usual. They were shocked at the sound of his voice, which they hadn't been able to distinguish when they'd all sung as one.

James and Sirius understood the reaction. When Severus spoke his tone was cold and emotionless. When he sang it was even colder, however, it was so deep and penetrating that it would send a shiver of desire up a woman's spine instead of the shakes of intimidation that his speaking tones did to most people. This irritated Sirius and James, for they did not believe a grotesque Dark wizard from Slytherin deserved such a seductive voice.

Bellatrix, for once, agreed with Sirius, and attempted to bring her fellow Slytherins' attention back to the situation at hand and away from Snape. "Let's find my blood traitor cousin and his arrogant friend, and get them to take this charm off of us...Then we jinx them." From mocking others in a baby voice so frequently Bellatrix's singing voice was high and squeaky. "I bet Pettigrew and Lupin helped too."

"Where has Lupin been? I haven't seen him for days," remarked Lucetta Malfoy curiously.

Regulus replied, "He's been lost in thought. It's unfamiliar territory."

Lucetta shook her head of silvery-blonde hair. "Wrong Marauder. You're taking about Pettigrew."

Weary of listening to them, James whispered in a light tenor, "Ready to go in?" At Sirius' and Albus' nods James strolled confidently into the hall with them behind him. "We heard horrible singing, so we had to come and see if equally horrible people were making the sounds. Now, I see that they were."

Albus and Sirius chuckled.

"We are not amused," said Snape quietly. If he had been talking the effect of lowering his voice would have been menacing, though because he was singing it only sounded more sensuous.

Lucetta grasped the nearest House table to prevent herself from falling over since her knees had become too weak with lust to support even her lightweight body.

Severus did not appear to notice. _He isn't used to arousing girls,_ thought Sirius. "We? Snivelly, I thought you agreed to stop talking about yourself and your nose like it was its own person just 'cause it's huge enough to create earthquakes when you blow it." His baritone would have received a similar reaction to the one Snape got from every girl in the room if it wasn't full of Salazar's protégés.

Snape's eyes narrowed. "I'd take that back if I were you."

"Well, you're not me. If you were me I'd be you, and if I were you I would go in sunlight and bathe like most people, but we both know that isn't the case."

Even some of the Slytherins laughed at that. It upset Albus that this greasy-haired boy seemed to have no friends. As the castor of the Song Spell, the magic easily blended with Albus' emotions to cause him to involuntarily break into a very loud solo.

"WHENEVER I SEE SOMEONE  
LESS FORTUNATE THAN I  
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY NEED.  
AND EVEN IN YOUR CASE,  
THOUGH IT'S THE TOUGHEST CASE I'VE YET TO FACE  
YOU'RE GONNA BE POPULAR!  
I'LL TEACH YOU WAYS TO FLIRT AND WHAT SHOES TO WEAR,  
HOW TO FIX YOUR HAIR." Albus considered giving Severus a military haircut since he heard that they were in style...in the military. Moments later, he thought of the best hairstyle for Snape. "YOU'LL HANG WITH THE RIGHT COHORTS;  
YOU'LL BE GOOD AT SPORTS." This time Albus considered ballet, but decided to go with Quidditch since a pink tutu would clash with Severus' hair. "KNOW THE SLANG YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW,  
SO LET'S START  
'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT AN AWF'LLY LONG WAY TO GO.  
DON'T BE OFFENDED BY MY FRANK ANALYSIS;  
THINK OF IT AS PERSONALITY DIALYSIS.  
WHEN I SEE DEPRESSING CREATURES   
WITH UNPREPOSSESSING FEATURES  
I REMIND THEM ON THEIR OWN BEHALF  
OF CELEBRATED HEADS OF STATE OR  
SPECIALLY GREAT COMMUNICATORS.  
DID THEY HAVE BRAINS OR KNOWLEDGE?  
DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH!  
THEY WERE POPULAR! IT'S NOT ABOUT APTITUDE,   
IT'S THE WAY YOU'RE VIEWED."

Understandably, Snape was immensely agitated. "What in Merlin's name in wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head as a baby? Are you from another planet? Tell me, as an outsider what is your opinion of the human race?"

Albus had continued singing during Severus' rant. "SO, THOUGH YOU PROTEST   
YOUR DISINTEREST  
YOU'RE GONNA GRIN AND BEAR  
YOUR NEW-FOUND POPULARITY.  
YOU'LL BE POPULAR,  
JUST NOT QUITE AS POPULAR AS ME!"

Now that Albus had altered Snape's appearance according to the lyrics Severus was standing on a quaffle with curlers in his hair wearing a vest that said, 'Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?'

James let out an uncharacteristic giggle at Snivellus' new physical attributes.

Turning white with rage, Snape whipped out his wand. "Why don't you Gryffindors change your looks too and slip into something nice. Like unconsciousness." He opened his mouth to say a hex.

"Enough!" Elderly Professor Dumbledore strode into the Great Hall and recited an incantation that reversed the effects of what was technically his own Song Spell as well as his magic on Snape while simultaneously propelling all of the pupils away from the centre of the vast room. Numerous people wound up landed atop one another.

Lucetta landed on top of Severus causing his entire body to tingle. He hated that he worked so tirelessly at his self control and was still incapable of bringing a stop to the effects that she had on him.

She stared down into Severus' fathomless black eyes and felt as if she were drowning. She blinked, attempting to refocus her mind, yet before she could do so her mouth began speaking of its own volition. "You must be wondering why everyone stared when you sung. It's 'cause your voice is sexy. Of course, you're so mysterious and intelligent with powerful talents that I always thought you were sexy anyhow."

(Two-thirds of the readers thought, "The words 'Severus' and 'sexy' do **not** belong in the same paragraph!")

The tingling dissipated, replaced by a shocked numbness at her declaration. Severus did not need to look into the shining grey eyes in Lucetta's fair-skinned face to discern if she was telling the truth since she lacked the ability to proclaim a falsehood. Deception was an art necessary in their circle of people. Being in the company of manipulative liars and being one himself had invariably made him admire Lucetta's honesty, no matter how unwise it was to be constantly truthful. The information that the honest and pretty Lucetta Malfoy had given him was interesting and, like he did with all information, Snape decided what needed to be done with it.

"Get up," he said, his expression unreadable.

Fretfully, she did as she was instructed. "I'm sorry, Severus. Maybe I shouldn't have told you that. It's just-" He put one fingertip against her lips. It silenced her immediately, as it was the only time Lucetta could remember him touching her. Touching anyone. He avoided nearly all of his peers and whenever she had hugged him he'd stood there unresponsive and let her do it.

"Come with me." It was not a question, though his tone left room for argument should she choose to protest.

Never dreaming of taking the opportunity to disagree, she simply replied, "Yes."

Under typical circumstances Snape would have relished the chance to witness Dumbledore punish his adversaries, however, while exiting the Great Hall with Lucetta he did not look back a solitary time to watch. He had other things on his mind.

**Minerva's Note:** _The Music of the Night_ is from Phantom of the Opera and _Popular_ is from Wicked. They're both BEYOND WONDERFUL theatrical productions. I am sooo sorry that this update took so long, but I'd lost my inspiration. This isn't my funniest chapter, but given the writer's block I currently have with this fic tis fairly good! Please, and review!


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter Thirty-One** Chapter 31

**I didn't write chapter thirty-one **

**In any existing text. **

**This way absolutely none **

**Of the readers know what happens next. **

**MUWAHAHAHA!!!**

**::readers unite to form the Knights of the Polygon Table and lash Minerva with her own wet noodle until she writes more:: All right - here's your chapter...**

"It's bloody dark in here."

"I can see that."

"No, you can't, Moony."

"Fine, I _know_ that. Sirius?"

"Hmm?"

"Shut up."

"Why are you being mean to me? You're the werewolf who suffers, but stays cheerful and sweet in spite of the pain. You'll ruin your image if you keep this up, and the readers won't love you...Ouch! Merlin, what is your problem? You can't still be mad about last week? I apologised a gazillion times!"

"Gazillion isn't a real number and 'sorry' isn't good enough. After Dumbledore and his teenage self ate lemon drops together he sent himself and Adel back to their time, much to the promiscuous Hufflepuff's dismay." The dog animagus recalled what adjective meant afore he persisted listening to the elucidation. "Then, Dumbledore asked you and Prongs what else you'd been doing lately, and you told him about when we wrote on McGonagall's essays, which got you, me, and Wormtail detention." He added sarcastically, "Wonderful job."

"Thanks."

Peter and James glanced across the dormitory to where Sirius and Remus had been bickering for what felt like eons.

James commented, "Moony, even you aren't usually this uptight. Something's gotta be bothering you besides Padfoot's idiocy."

"Hey!" exclaimed Sirius, offended. "You're just jealous that I've another detention, so I beat you in our contest of who could be given more. You're probably also jealous that I have sex appeal, am brave, have a sexy voice, am good in bed, wear sexy clothes, am a master prankster, and have a sexy body. Did I mention that I was sexy?"

"He is quite sexy," agreed Peter.

Ignoring Peter, James asked Remus, "Did you ever eat a vain canine? They're said to be a delicacy."

"That's not funny," said Remus solemnly. "The full moon is in three days."

"Is that what's had your knickers in a twist?" James pressed.

"Sort of...You lot shouldn't have left me alone with Sapphire so close to the full."

Sirius queried, "Why not? You both had a lot of catching up to do owing to the fact that she figured you had been absent for a week."

Remus shifted uncomfortable. "I can always control myself, but the closer it gets to full moon the harder it becomes 'cause the wolf has-" Remus coughed, embarrassed, and finished, "-urges."

"Urges?" Peter moved father away from Remus. "You aren't going to be tempted to eat us, are you? You can't be hungry; you just ate dinner."

"It's not that type of hunger."

There was a moment of contemplative silence while Remus' friends thought about his words. James was the first to catch on. "Are you telling us that a few days before the moon is full you're really horny and randy?"

Blushing a deep magenta hue, Remus muttered, "That's a crude way to say it, but yes."

The others howled with laughter.

"That's fantastic! Why didn't you tell us this before?" demanded Sirius.

"I knew you'd torture me with the information."

James grinned. "No doubt about that."

There was a knock on the entryway of the Marauders' Lair. "Come in," said Remus instantly, grateful for what he hoped would be a distraction to alter his comrades' train of thought. Fate was against Remus that day, for Sapphire gracefully stepped inside.

The expressions on Sirius' and James' faces were ones of such devious delight that they worried Sapphire. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong." Sirius smiled almost wickedly. "On the contrary, everything is perfect." He stood up and began to gait towards the door with James. "C'mon, Peter."

The blond obediently tailed them to the common room where Lily and Jessie were conversing. "Whatever chickens your chow mein."

"Excuse me?" James quirked a perplexed eyebrow above his glasses.

"It's a Chinese food. I got a book that's teaching me the language." Peter attempted to make wisdom shine through his watery blue eyes. He failed.

"Learn English first." Sirius tore the volume from Peter's grasp and skimmed a page.

_That's not right ...…... Sum Ting Wong  
Are you harboring a fugitive?... Hu Yu Hie Ding?  
See me ASAP...…... Kum Hia Nao.  
Small Horse ...…... Tai Ni Po Ni  
Did you go to the beach? ...Wie Yu So Tan?  
I think you need a face lift ... Chin Tu Fat  
I thought you were on a diet ...…...Wie Yu Mun Ching?  
Staying out of sight ...…... Lie Ying Lo  
He's cleaning his automobile ... Wa Shing Ka  
Your body odor is offensive ... Yu Stin Ki Pu! _  
(**Minerva's Note:** Sound out the above phrases to understand the humour.)

"Prongs, you've gotta read this!" laughed Sirius.

For once, James ignored his best mate. His attention was focused upon a figure shrouded in darkness that was approaching his beautiful flower. No, not an actual flower. You know whom I mean. "Why the bloody hell are you here?"

Crimson orbs turned to glare at him. "Because...I'm just here, okay? Don't question me! Don't you know who I am? I'm Lord Voldemort."

"Good for you. Now, get out."

"My name doesn't impress you?"

"Nope. Maybe if it was Henry or something like that. 'H' names have always been my favourite," stated James adumbratively.

"Bah!" Voldemort scoffed.

"Sheep!" accused Sirius ere asking James, "Why'd you say that adumbratively?"

Peter, who had been cringing behind Sirius since Voldemort's entrance, voiced what nearly all of the readers were thinking: "What's adumbratively?"

Lily cleverly explained, "It means to hint at something that's going to happen in the future; the same as foreshadowing, which is a well-known literary technique."

The Dark wizard stomped his foot childishly. "This is ridiculous."

"Riddikulus," snorted James and Sirius for the second time in the fan fiction.

Glowering in their direction, Voldemort continued, "You ought to be cowering in fear of me, not having pointless conversations."

"It's not pointless!" Sirius objected. "I have a point." He indicated his chest.

Jessie glanced at her boyfriend with an expression of arousal and disgust, an absurd combination. Intra, she examined the imposing bald, snake-like newcomer. "How did you pass Dumbledore to get in here?"

"You think I WANT to be here? Well, I do, but not today because on Thursdays my cobras and I coil up to watch all of the Disney movies with serpents in them, like The Jungle Book, yet suddenly I was taken away from their warm, scaly bodies on account of it being a plot convenience for me to be here since I threatened several chapters ago to return to seek my revenge, and this is an outlandishly long run-on sentence, so I'm going to stop talking."

"Thank Merlin."

"I didn't mean permanently."

"Damn."

"Don't swear. Fear me!"

James put his hands on his hips. "I can't speak for anyone besides myself 'cause I've matured (a little) since the first few chapters, but I know that _I_ do not fear you, though if it makes you feel any better I do hate you."

"It's a start," nodded Voldemort.

Lily placed a hand on James' arm. This would have made sense if it were her hand instead of Jessie's. "Hate is a strong word. Why do you hate him?"

"He killed Santa."

She cocked her head in bewilderment. "What?"

"I know it's hard to accept, but it's true."

"James, he's not real - Wait, how come you call him 'Santa' like Americans do?"

"Father Christmas reminds me of an overly festive priest."

"That can be your last thought before you die." Oddly, that was compassionate of You-Know-Who; an overly festive priest is quite an amusing image. He rapidly summoned his wand.

Peter gasped, "Your reflexes are splendiferous for someone of your age!"

"He should join the Quidditch team," added Jessie.

Sirius was uninterested in the evil intruder. "Peter knows a thirteen-letter word!"

"Quidditch? Work with others rather than lead them?" Voldemort was horrified. "Impossible!"

"You could do it. After all, James is always doing the impossible," gushed Peter, still crouching behind Sirius. "Once he set his broom on fire while doing laundry. No one thought that was possible."

"As fascinating as that is-"

Jessie interrupted the Dark Lord. Really, she did. "If you don't wanna play we could replace the lion and have you are our mascot. You'd be THE ANOREXIC BLOKE THAT NEEDS A TOUPE." She decided, "That's it, I'm signing you up."

Voldemort metamorphosed into a flash of blackness that bolted out of the castle. It was a remarkable spectacle. In centuries to come the technical term form it would evolve to 'fleeing in terror.'

"That was random," Lily murmured.

"I think the author was _too_ random this time," suggested Peter, finally emerging from hiding.

James reminded them, "It took her a long time to make this chapter due to the annoying fact that she had writer's block. I guess it was the best she could do."

Sirius grinned mischievously. "Maybe she'll do better for the next installment when she describes what happens between Moony and Saphy."

Remus and Sapphire were on his bed not reading poetry. "Was the speedo necessary?"

_Minerva's Note:_ I know I haven't updated in ages, so please at least 9 of the 30 people that have this fic on their alert list review to let me know that I still have readers; I only write for you! I shall write more VERY soon if you do :.)


	32. Speedo

**Chapter Thirty-Two** Speedo

Remus and Sapphire were on his bed not reading poetry. "Was the speedo necessary?"

Sapphire shrugged. "Mum and Jessie tried to talk Dad out of wearing it." She was showing Remus photographs of a holiday that her family took to the Caribbean the previous year over Easter break.

"The waterfalls are lovely," reflected Remus, straining himself to notice the background of the picture as opposed to Sapphire wearing a damp bathing suit as she lay on the sand with a smile on her face in the foreground.

She nodded. "The scenery is really nice. We're going back this year." Remus' aroused wolf mind was having difficulty appreciating the conversation, though his human mentality was trying its best. "I wish you could come."

_I can cum for you anytime._ "That's okay. It's more of a family thing."

"Still, you're going to be part of my family someday, so you shouldn't miss out. One day I'll take you."

_One day? I'll lie down and you can take me NOW!_ "You don't have to do that."

"Of course I do, Remmy; I love you. This time at least let me bring you a souvenir. Is there something in particular that you want?"

_I want you naked and on your knees. Is that too much to ask?_ "I don't need anything. Your love is enough."

"You're so sweet." Sapphire wrapped her arms around him in a tight embrace.

Reluctantly, he pushed her away. "I'm sorry, but it'll be full moon soon and-"

"And you're in pain? I should have realised that. I can give you a massage to help you feel better. Do you prefer it hard or gentle?"

_Well, since you asked- _"Be quiet, Pascal."

"Who? Isn't that French for 'Child of Easter?'"

"Yeah. It's the wolf's name."

"So, you're English and the wolf is French?"

"Uh-huh."

"Why doesn't that surprise me? And why must he be quiet?"

"He's being rude."

"How so?"

"Ah...You know that animals have feelings, but not much thought process, so they always act on instinct? Well, the impulse he wants to act out now isn't appropriate."

"If transformation is going to be worse than normal this month I could stay while my family goes away."

_Yes, stay! I'll pin you underneath me and make you cry out in pleasure._ "I'd be much happier knowing that you are having fun." Fun that doesn't involve Pascal. "Besides, my friends are already staying behind."

"Oh." Sapphire's cheerful face became grave.

"Is something bothering you?" _Other than the fact that this stupid human won't let me shag you?_

"There's an issue I've been wondering about since Christmas. All of the evidence indicates it. I know that it's none of my business or I would've brought it up sooner..."

_It's already been 'up.'_ "What is it? You can share anything with me, my precious gem." _Including your body._

"Your friends are animagi, aren't they?"

The thought of lying to her never crossed Pascal or Remus' mind. "Yes." Then, a notion did work its way into Remus' thoughts. "Are you angry?"

Her heartwarming smile returned. "No, just jealous that I didn't think of it first."

The door flew open and to reveal a Sirius whose accusing gaze was rapidly assessing the situation in front of him. The blaming expression left whilst his shoulders slumped with disappointment. "Terrible news, Prongs."

"They cut you off of the Quidditch team entirely?" speculated James, appearing beside him with Peter in tow.

"Not entirely; only my head, torso, arms, and legs. I can play if I use my arse." He indicated the couple with a jerk of his head. "Actually, the news is that we left them alone for no reason. They haven't done anything."

Sapphire blinked large azure orbs at Sirius. "We did things. We talked and I showed him my photo album. We have no homework over break except studying, so there was nothing else to do, was there? Is there something I should know about?"

"Cellular respiration," stated Remus before Sirius could open his mouth.

"I already read quite a bit about that, yet I'll learn more if you'd like." She kissed his nose lightly. "I'll do anything that you ask." Remus shivered as he watched her gather her belongings and depart waving jovially to his comrades.

Sirius glared at the lycanthrope. "If she's willing to do what you say you should've said, 'I have a thing for you to do. Me.' You'd have enjoyed it so much you would have given us a medal. A round, shiny one."

"Medals usually look like that," Peter commented.

"Not. Until. We're. Married," Remus enunciated slowly as if teaching Paris Hilton her left from her right. "I'm aware that most people don't wait, but we aren't most people. We're doing it the way it's supposed to be done."

"Did you cut down a tree?" demanded Sirius.

"No. Why would you think that?"

"I figured that was where all of your sap was coming from. Anyway, if you wanna be old-fashioned and overly-polite in your relationship I should respect that."

"Thank you."

"I _should_; that doesn't mean I _will_."

"I loath you."

"You do not."

"Shut it."

"You're being mean to me again. Is today Let's-be-Mean-to-Sirius-Day? We need to set up a schedule. We could take turns between Let's-be-Mean-to-Insert Marauder Name Here-Days, but that would get dull. We've gotta spice it up with Let's-be-Mean-to-Jessie-Days and Let's-be-Mean-to-Lily-Days and Let's-be-Mean-to-Sapphire-Days. Maybe not Saphy 'cause she's ALWAYS nice and - Hang on, I'm forgetting Snivelly! I must not leave _him_ out. Everyday ought to be Let's-be-Mean-to-Snivellus-Day, though if it were no one else would get a fair chance. We could pick on him in the afternoon and alternate with everybody else in the morning. Let's-be-Mean-to-Snape-Afternoon doesn't sound as good."

"He's not going to shut it, is he?" questioned Remus mournfully.

James replied, "Nope."

Indignantly, Sirius crossed his arms over his chest. "You're talking about Sirius like Sirius is not here again. Sirius hopes mountain trolls come and use you both for piñatas."

"I hope Jessie takes a vow of abstinence," retorted James.

Horror paled Sirius' attractive face. "Take that back!"

Remus patted Sirius' shoulder. "It's okay. I don't pray for her celibacy."

"Good."

"I'd rather that when you run around as Padfoot you get taken to the dog pound...again."

The canine animagus forced his vision to blur with tears. "This really is Let's-be-Mean-to-Sirius-Day. Do you think if I slam my head against the wall lots of times I'll pass out and end my misery?"

"Your misery won't end for a long time," Remus answered, "because we need to study for the N.E.W.T.s."

Sirius groaned. "Screw the books...Wait, Peter, not literally. Peter! Wormtail, stop! Dammit, now we have to burn those."

Peter giggled. "Don't worry; we'll ignore the N.E.W.T.s. The voice in my head, the one that advertises, says that they stand for Never Eat While Tip-toeing."

"It's Nighttime Escapades Will cause Trouble," argued James.

"Nicely Endowed Women are Tremendous." Sirius grinned.

Remus shook his head. "Noting Extraordinary Wizarding Talents."

"Whatever they are, I have something more fun to do." The gleam that brought Remus anxiety was in James' eyes.

_Minerva's Note:_ Consider this chapter your holiday gift, and you can give me a present in return by reviewing...Please!


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